With 303 Decision, Supreme Court Is the Skunk at the Pride Parade

AP Photo/Noah Berger

It was such a lovely Pride Month. The Dodgers pissed off Catholics, and we saw trans boobs on the White House lawn. Every flagpole blossomed with Pride colors, and every heart sang Judy Garland songs as we waved to the naked fat guys on bikes. Then the Supreme Court had to go and ruin it.


As the headline at People Magazine (“The News Source of Record”) put it: “Supreme Court Closes Out Pride Month with Major Blow to LGBTQ+ Rights, Opening Door for Broader Discrimination.”

And I’m sure that’s exactly how the court majority saw it. They were hanging around in their “No Libs Allowed” clubhouse, shooting pool and drinking small batch bourbon.

Roberts: “Anybody have thoughts on how we should close out Pride Month?”
Alito: “Let’s deal a major blow to LGBTQ+ rights. You break, Neil.”
Gorsuch: “Can open the door for broader discrimination?”
Alito: “Sure. Can we finish this game first? Break already.”
Thomas: What does the ‘+’ stand for …?”
Alito: “Plus-sized women. It’s a body positivity rights kinda thing.”
Roberts: “I don’t think that’s …”
Barrett [fist bumping Thomas]: “Whatever it is, we’re gonna deal it a major blow!”
Gorsuch: “And open the door for broader discrimination!”

That Gorsuch is a whacky character. But People wasn’t laughing:

With the landmark ruling — which falls in line with many of the SCOTUS justices’ conservative stances — a precedent has now been set that in certain instances, U.S. businesses can legally deny their services to LGBTQ+ people under the First Amendment.

Or it could mean that bakers and florists and wedding photographers and butter sculptors are free to do business – or not – with anyone they choose. It could mean that gays, lesbians, and plus-sized women are free to find vendors who actually want their business. It could mean an end to harassment from activists and woke state enforcement boards. It could mean that Americans are free to navigate this little corner of social and commercial life without government coercing outcomes.


Anyway, cheer up, People. Pride Month will be back next year: bigger and more fabulous than ever! And I have some ideas to really bring the month to life. Here’s one I’m really excited about:

Look, besides Saint Judy, Pride Month suffers from the lack of a musical theme. You can only play “C+C Music Factory” so many times. Just as there’s a “Black National Anthem,” there should be an LGBT+ anthem. Here’s my plan: once it’s written, we have the finest session musicians in New York and LA lay down the music. Then we gather the biggest collection of musical celebrities since “We Are the World” together in a studio to sing it. We’ll tell them it’s to raise money for a gender dysphoric kid in Tennessee or someplace similarly red to travel to California to get a bonus hole. Then, the last week of May next year, we drop it (as the kids say).

Boom! We have the soundtrack to Pride Month 2024. Heck, maybe even the entire summer. And it’s an election year. It’ll be played at every Democrat campaign rally, right after the ritual God-booing.

The song itself? I’ve already started writing it – I was inspired by an actual Pride event. It’s called “We’re Coming for Your Children.” The best thing about it is that each verse deals with a letter in “LGBT+,” and whenever somebody makes up a new sexual orientation or identity, we’ll just add a new verse. Sure, it’s going to get really long, but they can play the abbreviated version. Hey, maybe they can mix and match: Make sure the L verse is played at USWNT (United States women’s national soccer team) games or that the T verse is big at the Bud Light company picnic.


It’s coming along great — practically writing itself. Or it was. I’m a little stuck now. I need something that rhymes with “studded dog collar.”


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