I Think Michael Steele Hired Meghan McCain to Write This Statement

Contrary to the fervent hopes of, well, darn near everyone, Michael Steele has announced that he is seeking another term as RNC chair. In a rambling conference call last night that was reminiscent of Lebron James’ ill-fated The Decision special on ESPN (both in terms of total vacuity and clueless narcissism), Steele announced, to widespread cries of “Ah, crap.” that the RNC could have two more years of his, uh, “services,” if it wanted them.

The only thing more embarrassing than the conference call was this atrocious “statement” Steele released to the RNC members. Judging by the quality of the writing contained therein, Steele either wrote it himself or had Meghan McCain do it after a weekend-long binge on Four Lokos and deep-fried chocolate-covered bacon. EIther way, the “statement” certainly showcases the competence that has made him a favorite of party activists throughout the entire country, especially here in the South where we were glad to finally have an RNC chair willing to bravely call us all racists. Of course, Steele is not a man to show favoritism; to him, all Republicans who criticize him (a group which includes pretty much all Republicans everywhere) are equally racist.

Click below the fold to find a small sampling of the verbal sausage of Michael Steele, communicator extraordinaire. All typos, grammatical errors, and cheap e.e. cummings rip-offs are in the original:

In partnership, we will continue to build our grand old party into the great opportunity party through consistent and inclusive activities that maintains neutrality for our presidential nominee and strengthens our ground game to victory.
So tonight i come to my bosses with a record that only you can judge, based upon directions you made clear to me from the very beginning. Yes i have stumbled along the way, but have always accounted to you for such shortcomings. No excuses. No lies. No hidden agenda.
Going forward, i ask for your support and your vote for a second term.

** SNIP **

We must forge ahead with an infrastructure that is governed by the insights and input of the 168 members who govern the RNC.

** SNIP **

  • Working together to immediately retire the committee’s debt and strategically working to restore our resources for strategic 2011 and 2012. (Ed. – I seriously didn’t edit that at all. Check for yourself)

** SNIP **

Collectively, we secured over $179 million, 37% more than the DNC in the comparable 2006 cycle. Since, the political and financial landscape has changed – and it has changed – the RNC will dramatically increase its fundraising for the 2012 cycle. We will do so by continuing to build our unmated small donor programs and augmenting it with an expanded and updated major donor program which takes into our new reality. (Ed. – In all seriousness, this is exactly how the paragraph occurred in the original.)

** SNIP **

This enhanced major donor program will be organized in several ways – for example, geographically and by shared interests; but, but it will also include a direct role for RNC Members for expanding the abilities of the party to raise funds nationally, but to also work with them in developing programs to train and assist state parties in raising money locally. (Ed. – All three “but”s in the previous paragraph/run-on sentence merely copied and pasted from the original. Honest.)

Back when I was a 2L in law school, the career services office sat us all down and explained to us, over and over, that we needed to triple-check our resumes for spelling errors and typos. Law firms, we were assured, are staffed with professional people, and they will assume that if you can’t bother to make your freaking resume error free, you sure as hell aren’t going to bother with making your work error free. This sound advice made perfect sense to all of us even though we knew that we were merely applying to be one of thousands of first-year associates loosed on the world.

This “statement,” such as it is, essentially constitutes Michael Steele’s resume to be the one and only RNC Chair in the entire universe. Given the quality of his work as RNC Chair over the previous term, I don’t suppose any of us should be shocked that it contains as many errors as it does.

And yes, all of you wiseacres reading this post, I am quite sure as I dash off this post in the middle of the night, that I have made at least one typo and probably several grammatical errors, both minor and major. As a self-imposed punishment for my sins, I am hereby withdrawing my name from consideration as RNC Chair.