I have a confession to make. I love Jesus. I like Christmas. I hate Christmas music.
I understand that much of it is worship music, which is why I feel so guilty admitting this. I just can’t stand Christmas music. Perhaps it’s because there are really only 12 Christmas songs that just keep getting made over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I can only tolerate so many arrangements of “White Christmas” before I start to short circuit.
I know. I’m an awful person. I do carry a lot of guilt about my Christmas curmudgeonry, but I am what I am. So, in the hopes of purging my demons – as a type of therapy, if you will- I’ve decided to compile a list of what I consider to be the Top 10 worst Christmas songs.
10. “Jingle Bells” – The “Mary Had a Little Lamb” of Christmas songs. Every year all across this nation mothers and fathers are subjected to shrill recorders and shaky violins spewing out this classic. The song was seemingly constructed to grate on the nerves – endless verses, repetitive notes, BELLS! SO MANY BELLS! The only good thing about this song is that if you were like me as a child and had no discernible musical talent, there was always a guaranteed part for you in the Christmas program playing the handbells.
9. “Santa Baby” – I consider this the slutty Halloween costume of Christmas. It gives every wanna-be sexy mama a chance to put on her slutty Mrs.Claus outfit and do her worst Marilyn Monroe impression at the office holiday party.
8. “Wonderful Christmas Time” – If Sir Paul McCartney hadn’t written this song it is likely it never would have seen the light of day. It contains a total of about 11 different words just repeated over and over again and way too much synth. It’s relentless loop is the stuff of nightmares.
7. “Do They Know It’s Christmas” – The “We Are the World” of Christmas songs. In the ’80s the famine in Ethiopia was the cause-du-jour for celebrity culture. Even back then we were being told by guilty white celebrities that we in the West were somehow responsible for these millions of starving children. Written by U2’s Bono the song is a collection of grossly condescending assumptions, scolding Westerners (who weren’t celebrities, of course) for daring to enjoy their blessings while others suffered at the hands of their own corrupt governments. According to the song title Ethiopians weren’t just starving, they were also incapable of understanding the global calendar. Celebrities like George Michael, Duran Duran and those three chicks from Bananarama were able to leave the recording studio feeling good about themselves as they headed to the afterparty at Sting’s house for expensive champagne and lines of coke. Every time I hear the lyrics “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you” I laugh out loud. Probably not what they were going for.
6. “Jingle Bell Rock” – Covered by every rockabilly and pop rock star, this song is also a favorite in the “ironic recordings” category. “Jingle Bell Rock” covered by Willie Nelson? No way! Heavy metal hair bands? Get outta here! No really, please…just leave and take this tired jingle with you.
5. “Deck the Halls” – Nine words… Fa la la la la la la la la
4. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” – This is the Jeff Foxworthy of Christmas songs. The first time I heard this song as a kid I laughed until I nearly threw up. My friend and I taped it on our boom boxes when it came on the radio and played it over and over again. Each time was funnier than the last. Santa is real because he ran over Grandma! LOLOLOLOL! He’s also a felon for leaving the scene of an accident.
3. “White Christmas” – This is the Adele of Christmas songs. It’s not so much that it is a bad song. Of course it isn’t. It’s actually quite a lovely song and deserves to be a classic. It is also the only Christmas song that you could play all day and into the night and still never run out of covers. When a celebrity records a Christmas album without “White Christmas” on it does it make a sound? I wish I could like it, but I’ve just grown numb to it. This song acts as a bitter northern wind on my already cold, dead heart.
2. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” – A song about a young child discovering his/her mommy turns into a real slut on Christmas Eve.
1.”Baby It’s Cold Outside” – This is the Bill Clinton of Christmas songs. It’s creepy but thinks it’s charming and it’s pretty rapey. Even before the feminists got ahold of this song’s pro-sexual harassment message I considered it disturbing. I remember as a teenager thinking that this guy seemed kind of pushy and clearly all this woman wanted to do was go inside, pour a glass of whiskey and take off her heels after a long night of pretending to be interested in this cad’s stories. The older I get, the worse it sounds to me. I don’t know how so many people love this song. I guess nothing says “Happy Birthday, Jesus!” like a story about a guy just standing at a girl’s door wearing her down relentlessly until she agrees to pity-sex.
There you have it. This is not the definitive list and I know I’ve hurt some people out there who love Christmas music and look forward to all the endless iterations of it every season. My husband is one of those people. I’m sorry, honey! Sorry, readers. It’s not you, it’s me. I know this. But Merry Christmas anyway.
And Bah humbug.