This is the latest installment of our regular feature, “Not Today, Internet,” in which we take a look at the stories that we really don’t want to. For previous installments, click here. If you have a tip for “Not Today, Internet,” you can email me at [email protected]
Nostalgia is great sometimes. Nostalgia, for example, is making vinyl a thing we listen to again. Nostalgia is why I’ll be scouring the earth for this Super Nintendo system that Nintendo will be releasing this Fall. Nostalgia is why FreeForm has a Harry Potter marathon every 36 hours.
Nostalgia can also be bad sometimes. For example, 2016 is a year many of us look back on with a mix of horror and revulsion (the rest of us have blacked it out entirely). Yet, there is some drunken fool who, a week or so back, decided to try to revive one of the worst experiences of 2016: the clowns.
Oh lord, the clowns.
The incident began Tuesday evening, when a concerned citizen called police and said a man dressed as a clown and armed with a machete was milling about near a Hollis convenience store. When state police troopers arrived at the scene, witnesses told them the man had fled into the woods.
Roughly an hour later, authorities patrolling in nearby Waterboro spotted the creepy clown exiting a wooded area.
No. No no no. Stop it now.
According to police, the suspect, identified as Corey Berry of Hollis, was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and a clown mask. A machete was duct taped to his amputated arm, police said.
State Trooper Adam Schmidt told WCSH-TV that Berry was intoxicated. Questioned by police, Berry said he was clowning around, trying to play a prank that copied the creepy clown sightings that have garnered media attention in recent years, The Associated Press reported.
Why would you try to bring the clowns back, Berry? What’s the end game here?
He was seen exiting a wooded area. I can only imagine the terrified police did not walk into those woods, because if they had, they probably would have seen a coven of clowns dancing around a fire, throwing in campaign signs and Star Wars memorabilia in an effort to bring 2016 back to life.
Berry should be tried as a terrorist for the crime of bringing this evil back on us. It unclear where he is right now or what he is doing, but if the answer is “Not in a jail cell,” then I demand Jeff Sessions stop thinking about asset forfeiture and marijuana just long enough to do his damn job and keep maniacs like this off the street.
It’s a shame I even have to write this.