This is the first installment of a new regular feature called “Not Today, Internet,” in which we take a look at the stories that we really don’t want to. If you have a tip for “Not Today, Internet,” you can email me at [email protected].

Meet Ashley Glawe. A regular person, like you and me. She has ear gauges (probably not like you or me) and a pet snake.

Ms. Glawe became Internet Famous after posting pictures of a terrifying reason to not ever have gauges and/or a pet snake.

Simply uploading this picture makes RedState ten times more metal than ever before.

According to Mashable, the snake was safely removed by cutting a small slit into her ear and using Vaseline to get the intruder out, because that is the least horrifying way this story could have ended.

Although rightfully shocked, Glawe proved her affection for Bart to all the haters out there with multiple hashtags expressing her forgiveness and love of her daring pet.

We wish we could’ve been a fly on the wall of that hospital room and seen the doctors’ reactions to this insane accident.

I beg to differ with the viral news site: I do not wish to be anywhere near that situation as it unfolds, because I have enough nightmares, what with bringing a second child into a world that allows this sort of thing to happen.

Snakes are quick, sure, but I have my doubts. I would notice if a snake was trying to slither through a plastic ring holding a portion of what is normally solid ear wide open. I am not saying Glawe is a liar, mind you, but I am considering the alternative: she was being metal as @#$% and things went terribly awry.

If you have pets, please keep them away from you or your children’s gaping earholes. Take Glawe’s story to heart.