STOP RIGHT THERE: Men Are Putting Christmas Lights In Their Beards

2016 is a year of utter disappointment. We lost David Bowie, the presidential election was a travesty, and clowns just happened way more than they should have. It seems like everywhere we look we see something else awful, looming over us like a dark cloud waiting to rain on all of our happiness. Take this story for example.


Alright guys, we’ve warned you, but now it looks like we’re really going to have to take your beards away. Clearly you’re just not mature enough to have them anymore. First you started doing mermaid beard flip photos. Then came that horrifying #beardsfrombelow moment. And now, apparently, you’re stringing them with Christmas lights.

A “pimp my beard”-themed grooming pop-up shop in London is offering its services to men who want to embellish their face fur with this festive decoration. You can go with colored lights or white, twinkle or no twinkle. Or you could show a shred of dignity and avoid the whole thing altogether.

Science has gone too far. Beards have gone too far. Hipsters have gone too far.

I am all for due process, but there’s a line somewhere and I firmly believe this is it.


Thankfully, this only appears in London for the moment. Bless their hearts, they’re not taking Brexit very well, and I suppose they’ve lost touch with reality. However, hipsters with beards are plentiful here in the United States, and I’m kinda surprised this hasn’t been seen already.

We need to put a stop to this. Before it’s too late.


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