This morning, Al Gore was honored with the absolute highest international prize for salesmenship. In a ceremony at the Hollywood Willhack Theatre, he was presented with the coveted and prestigious GLENGARY GLEN ROSS SALES AWARD.

Press Release from the GLENGARY GLEN ROSS SOCIETY:

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA— As you know, the earth is billions of years old and has sustained asteroids, recurring ice ages, billions of natural species extinctions, magnetic polar reversals, earthquakes, floods, fires and tectonic shifts.  The climate has been changing and rearranging itself for those billions of years with deserts coming and going, ice caps melting and freezing, and even lakes filling and emptying all before man ever put his foot on a gas peddle or farted.

In light of this, former Vice President Al Gore is to be commended for his tireless and unwavering salesmanship and promotion for the ideology of climate change. Mr. Gore’s impact has been global, and his pitch been firmly swallowed as “settled-science” by millions of people. He has found permanent support in books, movies, public school curriculums and most importantly the insulated lives of the Hollywood stars!

Therefore we bestow on Mr. Al Gore, no, not a set of steak knives… but the prestigious award of the GLENGARY GLEN ROSS, SALESMAN OF THE YEAR. 

I know what must have sealed the deal! Recently, Al Gore appeared on Fox News for the first time since the 2000 election, and was interviewed by Chris Wallace of Fox News Sunday. After some opening warm-up questions and banter on the subject of the latest ISIS attack, Mr. Wallace posed some polite but pressing questions on the subject of climate change.

Harkening back to his days as a pitch-man for pro-tobacco, anti-tobacco, lock-boxes and naughty lyrics, Gore’s responses were smooth. His latest enterprise was calmly and adeptly steered with southern-laced politeness and ‘A-B-C’ (always be closing) diversions, past any pressing questions from Mr. Wallace.

Mr. Wallace reminded what Al Gore predicted for the world in 2006:

“Unless we take drastic measures the world would reach a point of no return within ten years.”

Furthermore Gore warned that inaction would lead to a “true planetary crisis”. Wallace reminded Gore of reality, and told him that it’s been eleven years since he made those claims in his 2006 film, An Inconvenient Truth, and that none of his dire predictions have ever come to fruition. However the oh-so-smooth Gore steered right around all of that boring old news!

Gore’s response:

“Well we have seen a decline in emissions on a global basis. For the first time they’ve stabilized and started to decline. So some of the responses for the last 10 years have helped, but unfortunately and regrettably a lot of serious damage has been done. Greenland, for example, has been losing one cubic kilometer of ice every single day. I went down to Miami and saw fish from the ocean swimming in the streets on a sunny day. The same thing was true in Honolulu just two days ago, just from high tides because of the sea level rise now. We are going to suffer some of these consequences, but we can limit and avoid the most catastrophic if we accelerate the pace of change that’s now beginning.”

Now that’s salesmanship! Ignore an important factual challenge and respond with some new vague nonsense. Congratulations, Mr. Gore, and remember folks… coffee is for closers.