Well, the first Democratic presidential debates are now in the books and that ought to winnow the field, eh? Held in sunny Miami, Florida, the first night saw the likes of such luminaries as NYC mayor Bill DeBlasio, some dude from Ohio, another from Texas who is Hispanic, Spartacus who showed up in full gladiator regalia, another dude from Texas who thinks he is Hispanic, that chick from Minnesota who actually ate a salad with a comb while drinking her water through a hollowed out pen, some woman from Hawaii, another guy from Washington and yet another unknown from Maryland. The guy from Washington had to be interrupted many times after he started to squawk like a parrot about climate change in response to every question.
Elizabeth Warren was present in full Native American costume sporting her new Somali weave claiming solidarity with the black, Native American and black Native American communities. Things became a little bizarre when DeBlasio unfurled a Soviet flag and draped it over the dais where he stood. Not to be outdone, Julian Castro then unfurled a Mexican flag over his dais before Amy Klobuchar, finishing off her salad and flinging the plastic container at an aid offstage striking the unidentified woman in the head, protested the unfurling of flags. Beta O’Rourke’s dais was set up away from the other nine on stage so as to avoid injury to fellow Democrats by his very active arm and hand gestures.
The oddest part of the first debate was when O’Rourke suddenly started speaking in Spanish in response to a question. As the other candidates looked incredulously, Booker shrugged his shoulders and answered the next question (or 47% of it) in Swahili. This caused Elizabeth Warren to answer a question in .00002% Cherokee, while Klobuchar took on an accent eerily similar to a character in Fargo.
The second night of the debate was without any incidents as the crowded stage of 10 candidates managed to lull the audience into a stupor. Andrew Yang did manage to say three words: “My name is…” before they moved onto the next question. Perhaps the most interesting moment of the debate occurred when moderator Chuck Todd asked each candidate to do their best jazz hands impression. It was Joe Biden’s one shining moment of the night eliciting applause from the two remaining audience members still awake.
Surprisingly (or not), there were no questions about the release of the Cage report. After an extensive one week investigation by Special Counsel Nicholas Cage to investigate Trump-Russia collusion, he announced in a 1,042 page document that he could discover nothing. This did not sit well with Jerry Nadler who demanded that Cage appear before Congress. Cage could not be reached for comment as he was on location filming the sequel to “Outcast.” This immediately brought rebukes from Nadler and Adam Schiff (along with Justin Amash) that they had irrefutable evidence that Cage’s decision to star in that sequel “has Russian fingerprints all over it.”
On the campaign trail, Eric Swalwell waded into the issue of “white privilege” and promised to increase the level of his skin’s melanin if elected. He then surprised the political world when he announced that Rachel Dolezal was under consideration to be his running mate.
And finally, after his dismal debate performance, there is news out of the O’Rourke camp. In another reboot of his flailing campaign, O’Rourke is releasing an album of cover tunes by his band, the Raging Furries. Offered through K-Tel, you can purchase the CD with such hits as “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” and “Muskrat Love” for only $19.95 (plus shipping and handling) But, WAIT! There’s more. If you order in the next 15 minutes, you get this bonus CD featuring covers of Frank Sinatra tunes for free (just pay shipping and handling).