I'm Willing to Go to Great Lengths to Protect Blue Bell Ice Cream and So Should You

I want to be very clear about something.

I like to think I’m a fair-minded, reasonable guy. I’m a live and let live libertarian who doesn’t even believe in the death penalty. I’m a full believer in freedom of expression, even past the point that some are comfortable with.


But then I saw the trend of people walking into grocery stores and heading straight for the ice cream aisle. They open up the freezer and take out a gallon or pint of sweet, innocent Blue Bell ice cream. Then they start to violate it with their filthy tongues and proceed to put it back on the freezer shelf where some unsuspecting person only looking to find joy in one of the greatest things Texas has ever produced picks it up and takes it home.

They get ready to enjoy the Lord’s ice cream when they find it’s been sullied by the unclean tongue of a thirsty idiot with an attention deficit.

If Texas was a religion — and some people nearly consider it such — then Blue Bell ice cream would be a holy object within it, like an ark that when opened makes people smile instead of melting their faces off. It’s not hard to understand why. Blue Bell is perfect in almost every way. It’s just the right amount of sweet, it has a wonderful texture, and its flavors are so balanced that you wonder if the people who develop it are actual rocket scientists. I mean, have you tried the recent cookie cake flavor? It’s flawless.

So you’ll pardon Texans for getting a little defensive when this internet trend started by, what I can only assume, are apes in people suits. I’m in full approval of putting guns, and maybe even swords and spears in front of the freezers to prevent these animals from making an internet trend out of ruining the best part of people’s day. Swords and spears are legal to carry around in Texas.


Am I saying that I’d resort to shooting someone for Blue Bell ice cream? That I’d go Highlander on someone for daring to do it for the gram? Well, let me ask you something.

Is America the greatest country in the world? The answer is yes, and do you know why? Because Blue Bell played a part in making it that way, and as such, cartons of Blue Bell should be able to sleep soundly in their freezers because rough men are ready to do violence on their behalf.

I say God bless those willing to put themselves between the forces of evil and the closest thing they’ll ever get to feasting at the table of Heaven while they live on this Earth.


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