It is a phenomenon that has gradually morphed into a quotidian news entry; what did those nutcases down in the Sunshine State do now? Living in America’s appendage, I can attest that we do tend to take the constant news items of the off-kilter, creatively sociopathic, and positively deranged in stride. A bathsalts-addicted individual was eating the face of a victim on the causeway? Meh. Someone tossed an alligator into a drive-through restaurant window?? Must be a Tuesday.

As a lifelong resident, in recent years it has been somewhat perplexing to live under the leadership of Ron DeSantis and have people look upon us with a measure of envy. Have you all forgotten about the Lengend of the Florida Man?! It is not only still a thing, we have an organized Florida Man Games event scheduled in the coming months! As much liberty and normalcy as the governor has delivered these past years be assured of one thing: We have never lost that psyche ward waiting room spirit down here. 

As proof, here are the standout eponymous stories as performed by our residents this past year.

1. Everyone is an art critic.

To begin, one of the trademarks of Florida Man stories is the complexity. While a story might qualify as bizarre elsewhere, we in the tropics demand layers of questionable activity to qualify for our branded news items. Take for example the city of Wilton Manors, where a public statue entitled “Thunderbunny” has been erected by famed artist Hunt Slonem.

One resident crashed into the artwork with his vehicle. He did so intentionally. It was then learned this was the second time he intentionally rammed a public art piece that week.

The perpetrator did so out of contempt he holds for the mayor, Justin Flippen. That contempt? Because the former mayor apparently is blamed “for the birds that we hear”, the suspect told police. This revenge scenario sending a message is derailed only slightly by the fact that Flipped has already passed away.

See? Layers.

Derek Alan Modrok, a 49-year-old Florida resident, admitted to running his car into a tall, blue sculpture of a rabbit titled "Thunderbunny" by American artist Hunt Slonem. https://t.co/UkyvTAYCQr

— ARTnews (@artnews) May 25, 2023

2. When do we ask whether she actually wanted to be rescued?

Firefighters were called out when a woman who was swimming in a canal (already, questionable decisions are apparent) and she became caught inside of a storm drain. Now, here is where it gets curious. The lady was resisting the efforts of the firefighters to rescue her. 

Now, here is where it gets perplexing - this was not her first time. Two years prior she had been reported missing by a boyfriend, and she was found much later in…a storm drain. She told authorities she had been wandering in the drain system for weeks.

And here is where it gets downright incomprehensible: 

• Two months after that incident, the news station reported that police in Texas said Kennedy was missing. She was later found in a storm drain in Grand Prairie, Texas.

When it comes to pathologies, I would wager that psychologists have yet to name this particular affliction.

3. Down here we are asking, which part of this story is the illegal aspect?

While many endeavor to come to Florida to bask in our weather and liberty, Florida Men also work on exporting their brand of social interactions. A Port St. Lucie, Florida man, Tony Saunders was arrested in Pennsylvania for leading police on a chase in a stolen school bus. In most other states, this poor choice of a getaway vehicle would be enough to turn heads.

We elevate things in the Sunshine State. 

When stopped Tony fled on foot he promptly stripped off his clothes, because of course. Once apprehended police discovered a dead deer inside the bus. Tony explained that, after crashing a BMW, he took the bus for an extremely valid reason. 

“Saunders said that he had taken the vehicle and had placed a deceased deer in the back of the bus and was going to drive the deer to his residence and use the deceased deer as fertilizer for his garden.”

Pennsylvania, you are so very welcome.

4. Getaway vehicle on special, some assembly required.

When you are planning theft it is common practice to have your escape plan in place PRIOR to committing a crime. Specifically, having your means of escape in place is the preferred method, but one Flagler County thief had the right idea, just the timeline a bit scrambled. He stole an electric scooter from a Target store, but police were able to nab the crook because he was outside the store - putting together the scooter as they arrived.

5. Absconding with ink will be a tough charge to impress your cellmates.

One hallmark of Florida Man stories involves the distinct lack of pragmatic thought going into ventures. Take the man who decided to get a tattoo one PBR-impacted evening, and after seeing the finished product became upset at the lack of coloring. He had been informed by the artist that his request for yellow ink to complete his desired image would have greatly increased the cost, so he demurred on the shading. But upon seeing the completed work he was enraged and was ultimately arrested when he fled the shop without paying – for his Waffle House logo tattoo.

6. It’s a good thing he did not drop the glass on him or he could have received life.

Here is one prime example of how Floridians might be inured to the bizarre vagaries of our brethren. 

So two brothers entered into an argument. One had left a slice of Key Lime pie in the fridge for days, so the brother eventually ate what he felt was an abandoned dessert. Brother #1 becomes enraged because he was saving it. Maybe in other parts of the country, this seems extreme, but here it is understandable. (Mitigating detail: This IS Florida after all, so more Key Lime pie is procurable in the area.)

Brother #2 sees things escalating and decides that dumping a couple of glasses of water on #1 is the proper response. Brother #1 properly calls 911, and the police end up arresting #2. Now here is where things careen slightly.

The brothers were aged 64, and 65 years of age. The younger brother was the one committing fluid assault, and as such his charge becomes elevated to first-degree felony, because he committed violence against someone 65 or older. This means his dumping of 8 ounces of tap water on his brother could have led to a 30-year jail sentence. Over a slice of Key Lime pie.

7. Florida, where entertaining oneself is always elevated to new… depths.

It’s the weekend, you are alone and in possession of some (possibly numerous) illicit substances at your disposal. The choices on what to do just abound. Who among us has not taken this opportunity to strip down and lather yourself in lubricants?! Well in Florida it is always the land of taking things farther. Blake Tokman in the city of DeBray opted to go with coating himself with wheel-bearing grease, AND peppermint oil (why limit yourself?).

Blake then contemplated what to do (not the “why”), and decided this was time to break into a home. By the time police arrived, he was inside his second home, and he fled - into a swimming pool. This allowed police time to gather around and surround Blake, while he was jumping on a trampoline, where his slick plans came to a conclusion.

8. The entrepreneurial spirit is alive in Florida, but profits are dead.

Many asked “why”, but far more asked “WTF?!?!” In a video that went viral on TikTok (as big of an indictment of that platform as you may find) a Florida (business) Man created the “Bugkiss” device. Using an exacto knife tp remove a baby doll’s mouth it is connected to a spring from a retractable pen and affixed to a modified baby pacifier. This now allows the user to “kiss” any insect of their choosing.

His video has been viewed something like 20 million times.

9. Let’s focus on the part where he got away for a few hours…

While it can be impressive to have a lengthy rap sheet, it is more so when you compile your thick jacket in one night. It is elevated to Florida Man levels when you do so at a police station. Joseph Moulton is such a man.

He broke into a police compound, got into a police car, caused flood damage with a hose, defecated on the floor in the women’s locker room, showered in the men's locker, and changed into a full officer’s uniform (complete with bulletproof vest). We are big supporters of the police, but we might want to question the skills of those on the Naples police force, as Moulton perpetrated all of this, and was able to walk off unnoticed. 

He was apprehended hours later at a 7-11 store. They were able to track him down because earlier, while monkeying around inside the cop car, he managed to drop his wallet on the floor of the cruiser.

10. He should turn around and sue for false advertising

First question - why rob a bank with…a knife? Second question: Have you never actually been in a bank before?
Well, the building did say “Wells Fargo”, so they…must have cash, right? Only problem is this was an office building for Wells Fargo advisors, so our cagey villain ended up being arrested for not robbing what was not a bank.

11. Insert your “small caliber” joke → Here.

Police arrested Michael Keanu(!) Brennan for fraud. He was attempting to book an extended $3,000 vacation for 17 nights (?) at a Gulf Of Mexico rented property. In his home, they acquired numerous pieces of evidence concerning falsified identity documents. 

While booking Brennan they discovered he attempted to smuggle something into the jail. During a strip search they discovered Mike was attempting to hide a .22 bullet inside his testicles. The “why” and “to do what?” questions abound.

12. Big deal, it was not a police chase

Sometimes you just get the wild urge to steal a vehicle and take it on a joyride. Far fewer times do you arrive at this decision regarding an earth mover, but then you are not a Florida Man. After getting the excavator running, our guy damaged many buildings on the construction site, then took to the roadway, damaging numerous vehicles. And his night of revelry was only beginning.

His road trip culminated at a local Wal-Mart, where he strove to turn it into a drive-through, against management’s wishes. Then, not finished, our upstart contractor hopped off his rig and entered the store, brandishing the machete he took with him because of course he had a machete while hotwiring an excavator. All told his night of mayhem delivered over $2  million in damages.

13. You might say the guy was in uniform

We’ll just close things out with the tale of Michael Gordon, 46, of Clearwater. We’ll also go out on a limb and declare Mike ain’t the most cerebral of thieves. Just months after serving his stint in The Grey Bar Inn he decided rather than set his life straight that it was a good idea to try breaking into a vehicle at an apartment complex. Several witnesses called authorities, who apprehended Mr. Gordon rather quickly. He was not cooperative, but it did not take much to place him at the crime, given his lack of gloves meant fingerprints were scattered about the scene. He seemed destined to a life in stir, as this detail from the report reveals.

• According to an arrest report from the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office…The suspect was described as a white man wearing tan shorts and a black T-shirt that said “I just got out of prison.”

Man Wearing 'I Just Got Out of Prison' Shirt Back Behind Bars After Theft https://t.co/tdValV8zXA pic.twitter.com/isHgb4FVv9

— SuckleOnThis (@SuckleOnThis) December 14, 2023