This Column Is Racist for Listing the Numerous Idiotic Claims of Racism

It is just a sampling of various ways the media has rendered ‘racism’ into a venom-free accusation.


In my Friday ‘’Document Dump’’ feature, I included a story of how improvisational troupes are being declared ‘’racist’’. It was just the latest entry in a never-ending string of insipid accusations that are being leveled in these amazingly stupid times. As the crowd grows that feels a need to be proactive against racism  — and more importantly, to be noticed for doing so — the lengths people go to accuse racism are stretching thin.


The press, of course, plays along, because, let’s be honest, racism in the headline is a real grabber! As a result, the list of items being charged as intolerant, exclusionary, or outright promoting white supremacy is becoming laughably inane. These are not just random, faceless people barking on social media either, but accusations leveled in the deeply serious entries of journalism outlets. We begin with some additions from the problematic improv Klansmen piece.

Here is our less-than-comprehensive list of moronic racist items in our culture.

CLASSICAL MUSIC –  Orchestral overtures have been around for centuries, but should they, asks the Washington Post? The genre needs a reckoning, they say.

OPERA – Only makes sense, if philharmonics are exclusionary then so would be opera houses.

SOAP – We are all familiar with how hateful brand mascots have been, but more than Aunt Jemima, and the Land O’Lakes spokes-logos, products themselves are racist.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES – It is insensitive to other cultures if we do not recognize they may not use 2 slices for Skippy.

MILK – It’s what makes a white supremacist’s body good.

CEREAL – And it is not because of that racist milk, either.

     -What your white privilege fails to understand is that non-racial, fictional characters that do not exist in real life can be deeply really racial in real life.


ANIMATED TOYS – Check your toybox privilege.

THE SIMPSONS – Fake non-racial characters have a real problem with their voices.

TOLKIEN MONSTERS – I am curious how many Orcs complained about their depictions in the movies…??

DOCTOR SEUSS – I am tempted to ask if his language in the books is a threat to Ebonics, but that will only lead to more trouble.

THE GOLDEN GIRLS – Look how many decades they got away with hatefulness. Not anymore.

   – It is not enough to correct things in our entertainment complex. You hateful American-types do not even realize how our daily activities are completely filled with…well, hate.

CROSSWALK SIGNS – If you think having a white man commanding people when they can walk is acceptable let me inform you; it is NOT acceptable.

ROBOTS – Apparently they have been programmed to be intolerant.

FRONT LAWNS – These are part of the racist American Dream – and don’t even get started on the white picket fences.

HIGHWAYS – Maybe this is why so many protests are staged on the interstates.

     – And even your independent activities which are practiced without any connection to race can be racist. Frankly, you people disgust me.

JOGGING – I mean, where do you think the term ‘’race’’ came from, anyway?


TIPPING WAITERS – Class, race, wealth, servitude — there is so much going on. So stop it.

RIDING BICYCLES – Look at the billions who ride these in Asia, and you never see POC peddlers.

GOING ON A DIET – Problem; what if you just lose weight because of all of the foods we are now forbidden to eat because they are racist???

BEING A VEGETARIAN – What color is soy, after all?! Plus there is probably a wheatgrass connection to the racist front lawns.

— Use this list to get your intolerant life in order. We are certain there will be more corrective actions needed in the future, so more lists like this are sure to arrive.



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