Now I want you to imagine the next time you are out dining. Before calling over the waiter (or punching your selection onto a touchscreen) you may need to adjust your lexicon while ordering your favorite comfort food.  Or, make that your oppressive patriarchal hate meal!

At McDonalds you may need to get a Quarter Pounder with Sexism. With your steak the choice of side could be an innuendo-loaded baker.  Maybe at home you’ll prepare a box of Kraft Macaroni & Rape. (Govern your tastes accordingly.)

These new misogynistic menu items arrive courtesy of PETA, the always pragmatic-thinking animal rights organization. Their latest salvo in their never ending attempt to curtail our carnivore tendencies arrives now in the dairy section. So just what has these fur-obsessed activists in a fury this time? Behold:

We rail against sexism in all its many forms—except, perhaps, when it comes to what’s on our plates.  Can food really be sexist? Yes, when it’s the product of imprisonment, rape, reproductive control, kidnapping, and abuse.

Sounds kind of dire! Hell, I’m against rape as much as the next non-aggressively pro-woman testosterone-polluted biped! This can’t stand! How can I take a stand against sexist food?!?!

Contrary to popular belief, female cows produce milk only when they’re pregnant or nursing. They make milk for the same reason that human women do: to feed their babies. Cows who are imprisoned on dairy farms are forcibly impregnated through artificial insemination again and again on rape racks. Rape racks. All for your milk, cheese, and yogurt.

What – the – hell…????

Are these stunted saints of the St. Bernards seriously suggesting that the sexism derives in the practice of contemporary animal husbandry?! (I just had to use the term.)

Yes, yes they are. So now we have taken yet another step downward in defining rape. Catcalls on the street, or men merely looking at a woman, have been classified as sexual assault. Now we have descended to the level that artificially inseminating bovines is also rape. Curious what the jail terms for our nations dairy farmers will be set at during sentencing.

This is where we are on America’s activist left. Human life forms are dismissed as cellular clumps of inconvenience, meanwhile a Guernsey prodded to lactate is worthy of protection from sexual assault. This, according to “The Party of Science”.

Well, good luck with your court cases, you freaks of the phylum. Meanwhile, can I get some extra whipped oppression on top of my Pina Colada, please?