There are few places on earth as terrifying as (checks notes)…Iowa? At least according to Politico’s City Hall Bureau Chief, Sally Goldenberg.

Apparently, she was in Iowa covering the Presidential race. Most recently, NY Mayor and clownish giant Bill de Blasio stopped by to the cheers of dozens where he tried out a new nickname for Donald Trump. #ConDon didn’t exactly catch on, but at least he tried.

After covering all that excitment, Goldenberg took to Twitter to let us know what she really thought of Iowa.

And @ndhapple and I will never be so happy to step onto a subway again.

— Sally Goldenberg (@SallyGold) May 18, 2019

No almond milk?

I also like that she seems to dislike the fact that there aren’t massive traffic jams and that it doesn’t take you an hour to go two miles. The driving is just so boring and all. But the real terror comes from the dirt roads she apparently traveled. Because we all know dirt roads are horrifyingly scary. Ending by saying she actually misses the dumpster fire that is the NY subway system is a nice touch.

To further the comical value, Iowahawk on Twitter has a long thread going making fun of all this.

OMG I feel like Neil Armstrong #OneSmallStepForMan pic.twitter.com/tub2KuIWEZ

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 19, 2019

Sorry your stay was unsatisfactory ma'am, next time we'll be sure to spray everything down with 100 million gallons of hobo pisshttps://t.co/qLnpaouXIY

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 19, 2019

lol…

Seriously though, as someone who’s lived in the NE but also was born in the south, this is just foreign to me. Shouldn’t a lack of traffic, ugly industrialism, and hobo piss be positives? Goldenberg does play right into the stereotype of your typical New Yorker though and for that, I thank her. No worries though, she’ll be back in the land of $10 coffees, avocado toast, and commie Mayors in no time.