This is, as they say, one for the books.

As a writer, I look for unusual stories. And in virtually all cases, I’m fond of the subjects I cover.

After all — what isn’t unusual…is boring.

But this is just sad.

As reported by Insider, dating app Tinder is now giving its users COVID-19 tests in sets of two.

The reason, purportedly: It’s trying to encourage people to date again.

As Insider puts it, “Users in the U.S. will be able to reserve two tests directly via the app — one for them, and one for their match.”

A “His and Hers” medical test is probably not as unprecedented as some might think, and if you’re gonna go to bat during a pandemic, you might as well wear a helmet while swinging for the fence.

But we won’t soon be dug-out of this hole if COVID’s created a social crater so big we need the lure of a free nose-rogering to make a move.

Still, if you fancy working a brain-joust into your pick-up lines, consider mention of the Everywell COVID-19 Test Home Collection Kit DTC — Tinder’s choice for the promotion.

It’s an RNA test and not ribbed for your pleasure. However, Everywell does claim the sinus stab is a “lower nasal swab” designed to be “easy and noninvasive for effective self-collection from home.”

Perhaps this is just our here-to-stay new normal — Seinfeld once joked about whether a prospective date was “spongeworthy.”

Maybe the swab is the new sponge. It might as well be, given what it feels like is happening to your head during the test.

Nonetheless, Tinder’s offer is indeed a good one; out-of-pocket, the test kit costs $109.

But you’d better get ’em while they’re hot — the app’s only handing out 1,000.

That’s 500 dates if you’ve not yet advanced to something more sophisticated–

Half the responsibility, a quarter of the fun?

"Billy Sings the Blues: A Polyamorous Lover Waxes on the Difficulties of Quarantine With His Girlfriend and Her Boyfriend"#Polyamory #coronavirus #WuhanFlu https://t.co/yqdJ6R4nbA pic.twitter.com/0w1XXhpLOu

— Alex Parker (@alexparker1984) March 20, 2020

The American Psychological Association Creates a Task Force to Promote Polyamorous Relationships
https://t.co/KCB50QTGDK

— RedState (@RedState) July 12, 2019

Looking for something different? HERE IT IS.
"The Future of Family? A Woman in Florida Awaits Her First Baby – With One of Her Four Committed Boyfriends. But Not the Fiancé"https://t.co/gQm9Tm7A70 pic.twitter.com/SH5xZNmuWT

— Alex Parker (@alexparker1984) December 8, 2019

The kits will be made available Saturday, March 20th, at 7 p.m. EST.

They’ll likely go fast — as relayed by Insider, references to going on a date hit an all-time Tinder bio peak in February.

It seems people are at least dreaming of acting out.

From Insider:

More people have turned to dating apps during the pandemic as they look for virtual ways to meet new people. Insider Intelligence forecast the number of smartphone dating app users in the US would reach 26.6 million by the end of 2020 – an 18.4% increase from the year before.

Nicole Parlapiano, Tinder VP of Marketing for North America, said it’s a tough time, but there’s still hope:

“The pandemic has created no shortage of dating obstacles, but we think our members are pretty optimistic about getting back out there.”

Meanwhile, the app’s still apt:

“January 3 Swipe activity hit 3.4 billion, which was one of the busiest days of the entire pandemic.”

For the uninitiated: Swiping is how users signify whether they want to move on to another potential pairing.

It seems to me that life can’t be contained. The world may have a Pause button, but there’s no Stop.

People have to live life, and they will.

The government can pass laws, institutions can give advice. But at some point, people need to make contact.

And if you’re currently on the market — and if you’re jonesin’ for just such a thing — maybe it’s time for you to take it up a notch.

As you take it up the nose.

Good luck. And pick a winner.

-ALEX

See more pieces from me:

Megyn Kelly Filets Fauci Over Lockdown: ‘You Don’t Control Us’

George Floyd Autonomous Zone Sees Violence and Death, Prompts a Desperate Op-Ed From Residents

Marvel Comics Introduces a New and Gay Captain America

Find all my RedState work here.

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