Rudy Giuliani's Daughter Reveals Her Secret to Becoming a Better Person: Threesomes

(AP Photo/Leo Correa)

If you’ve been looking to get on a self-improvement kick, have I got some knockout news for you.

We’re a ways past New Year’s, but where betterment’s concerned, it’s never too late for a resolution.

And today’s assistance comes from none other than Rudy Giuliani — to be exact, from his loins.

Speaking of, here’s daughter Caroline Rose Giuliani with a recollection from her penned piece for Vanity Fair:

“I had known for some time I was at least bisexual but had barely explored that side of my sexuality.”

The 32-year-old’s article hit the outlet’s website Thursday, and it’s a real revelation.

For those of you jonesin’ to upgrade your essence, enjoy advice from “A Unicorn’s Tale: Three-Way Sex With Couples Has Made Me A Better Person.”

Caroline confides, “I knew I wanted to experience new dynamics.”

Well, she found ’em.

Also discovered: a world of “ethical non-monogamy.”

Having ended a “long-term, loving monogamous relationship,” the offspring of New York’s famous former mayor sprung onto the scene via a dating app.

That social network provided a place “where couples can seek a third partner, known as a ‘unicorn.'”

Caroline knows what you’re thinking — it doesn’t necessarily sound intimate.

But consider it Christmas — there are ways to be both naughty and nice:

When people think about three-ways, intimacy may not be the first thing to come to mind. “Kinky,” “dirty,” and “taboo” are probably top of the list. It can certainly be all of those things (she says with a naughty smile).

The progeny of Donald Trump’s favorite attorney shares the story of her encounter with Isabella and Oliver (not their real names).

The three began with texting, which quickly turned to sexting. In an unusual move, Caroline “tried on this authoritative sexual persona.”

I was pleased to discover that, having been a submissive myself, finding the language to turn Isabella on came naturally to me. I was, in turn, very turned on by turning her on. By the time I was waiting for Isabella and Oliver at the bar with those first-date jitters, I wasn’t sure if our sexual preamble would make things awkward. I soon learned that traditionally awkward moments tend not to stay awkward between open and direct people.

Upon their first meeting, she noticed a trio ain’t a duet:

On a two-person date (and certainly on a heteronormative one), there tends to be an unconscious blueprint of the basic order of operations: You sit across from each other at the table, ask each other questions, maybe argue over the check. Energetically, it’s ping-pong. A date with three people, however, is more like volleying a beach ball with no net and no playbook.

Call it an opportunity for growth:

The fluidity of the situation made autopilot impossible, which made me realize how often I do go on autopilot, in dating and otherwise. I thought more consciously about what I wanted to do or say in each moment. At whom did I want to bat my new eyelash extensions? Did I want to ask questions about him, her, or their relationship? Even small details like the seating arrangement required more active attention. (I later learned that Isabella and Oliver specifically chose a venue with circular tables so that I didn’t feel like they were interviewing me.)

“I’m not sure if Aristotle was a unicorn,” she writes, “but the whole is definitely greater than the sum of a couple’s parts. A unicorn not only dates the individuals, but also dates the relationship.”

Along the way, Caroline got a “rush” by getting to know the two in ways which helped them know one another:

I got an unexpected rush from asking Isabella a question about her childhood that Oliver had never thought to ask her in their years of dating.

And did she like the pair?

Oh, yeah:

Isabella and I had instant chemistry. We were both directors in preproduction on dark films about mental health, we both took pleasure in communicating frankly around subjects that make most people uncomfortable, and we seemed to share that “weird wildness” gene.

As for her attraction to Oliver, it was due to his attraction to her due to her attraction to Isabella.

And:

Feeling my perspective stoke their attraction to one another was like taking a visceral tour of the inner workings of their mutual magnetism, which was simultaneously arousing and fascinating.

#Bonus

Caroline describes some of the first evening’s sexual details, which I’ll omit here. But in case you were wondering, Isabella “was a ‘cuckqueen,’ which is a woman who enjoys role-playing ‘humiliation’…”

As it turns out, Giuliani’s relationship with the couple took the foggy mess of her identity and cleaned it up spick ‘n span:

My heightened response to their energetic flow also started me on the path to identifying as pansexual, which feels more precise than bisexuality.

For those of you in the back:

I am attracted to people based on their presence and energy regardless of their biological sex, gender, or gender identity.

Things haven’t always been easy for Caroline — she was “slut-shamed for most of [her] life.”

But she finally knows she’s “empathetic, radically open-minded, profoundly adventurous, and fiercely committed to telling stories that reduce the stigma surrounding sexuality and mental health—including this one, right now.”

“Even now,” she confesses, “I feel the urge to disclaim that I’m also excessively aware of my many flaws.”

Nonetheless:

Before I started living the unicorn life, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to list those qualities or even feel certain that they are positive traits.

So if you’re looking to take things up a notch, the cost may be high, but perhaps it’s time to pony up — you might be just a trio’s trot away from becoming a horse.

A horny one, that is:

via GIPHY

I’ve battled…anxiety and depression my whole life, which means that my self-esteem is often hiding out in a fiery dumpster. Recently…my therapist asked me to name some qualities I valued in myself. My response was deafening silence. …Then, I recalled locking eyes with Isabella while locking, well, everything else with Oliver. … Maybe there are also non-sexual memories I could’ve drawn upon…but this one was vibrant enough to pierce through the darkness, with the help of my sparkly unicorn horn.

-ALEX

 

See more pieces from me:

Countdown: An Expert Predicts the West’s Sperm Count Will Soon Be Zero

Dolly Parton Turns Down Another Honor, and It’s a Monument to What the World Desperately Needs

Sheriff’s Office Offers a V-Day Special, and It’s the Most Romantic Thing You’ll See All Day – if You Don’t See Anything Romantic

Find all my RedState work here.

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