If you haven’t heard, California’s clamped down — per Gov. Gavin Newsom, it’s now an act of rebellion to be out between the hours of 10 p.m. and 5 a.m.
The best I can figure, someone’s discovered that COVID-19’s a night owl. So stay in during the disease’s lunar shift, and you’re right as rain.
We’re evading the virus like this:
But for those jonesing to thwart our planetary pandemic even further, Los Angeles County has really come through.
Sure — you obeyed the Golden State’s edict of not joining more than three households for Thanksgiving (you never liked your brother anyway), of only sharing time for 120 minutes (another surely-scientific avoidance breakthrough), of eating outside (a few flies only add to that protein-rich Horn of Plenty), of never chanting, and under no circumstances ever playing your clarinet.
But now you’ve got the chance to really clobber the coronavirus — by doing nothing.
That would be pretty much zero.
With other people, that is.
Nearly all social gatherings of individuals from more than a single household will be banned in Los Angeles County for at least three weeks starting Monday under new restrictions local health officials unveiled on Friday, citing a continued surge in COVID-19 infections.
The Los Angeles County measures, affecting some 20 million people living in and around the nation’s second-largest city, go beyond a curfew imposed last week by California Governor Gavin Newsom barring social gatherings and other non-essential activities across most of the state between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m.
Those not as pumped about the deflation of socialization might’ve thought we’d be out of the woods by now. But as it turns out, the forest — like the plot — has only thickened:
Taken together, [the new rules] represent the most stringent COVID-19 measures imposed on the Los Angeles area since California’s first-in-the-nation statewide lockdown in March, early in the pandemic. They also are among the most restrictive in effect nationwide.
State and local authorities have instituted, or re-imposed, a wide range of limitations on social and economic activity in hopes of blunting a wave of coronavirus infections raging out of control across the country following a late-summer lull.
As we continue our journey toward complete isolation, some officials are urging the citizenry to crop their Christmas shopping.
Wonder what they’ll tell us to do on December 25th.
I predict a heavily-recommended Silent Night.
For now, in the City of Angeles, an order runs through Dec. 20th.
The city’s seen a rise in cases — exceeding 4,500 for five days straight.
Thus, citizens are being told to stay home as much as possible and to always mask up outside the house.
And inside, in the words of Reuters, “[A]ny social gatherings of people from more than one household are prohibited, whether in public or private, and whether indoors or outside.”
Additionally, LA’s dropped the maximum occupancy levels for non-essential businesses such as nail salons and indoor shopping malls to 20%. Essential operations — such as grocery stores — get to function at 35%.
Residents can still use beaches and parks, so long as they keep their faces covered and steer clear of those of from other households.
But: “All indoor and outdoor service at bars, restaurants, wineries and breweries remains prohibited under an earlier county order that restricted them to takeout and delivery only.”
Though politicians and TV’s talking heads cheered thousands in the streets this summer, don’t expect them to celebrate you home this Most Wonderful Time of the Year — as the Season for Giving nears, those in government don’t want you to gift the Wuhan Flu:
Health officials around the country have warned that the holiday travel season and onset of colder weather — leading to greater social mixing and people congregating indoors — is fueling a COVID-19 surge that has sent infections, hospitalizations and deaths to record levels.
And even if you’re using your kerchief as a mask and your cap as a hair net, on The Night Before Christmas, if you’re in Los Angeles…well, whatever the rest of the country’s doing to pummel the pandemic, expect your contribution to be a little more depressing.
Buckle up, Angelenos — if Democrats have their way, it’s gonna be a Blue Christmas.
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