A Very Sociable Distance: Michigan Sees Surge in Gonorrhea

Have you been shut down in the sheets?

Have you been locked down and luridly lewd?

If so, you’re not alone.

Despite Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s alleged best efforts to annihilate the whole of human contact, some citizens have managed to make close connections.

So close, in fact — despite the steep hill of levied limitations — for clever climbers in Michigan, a most moist mixture has been mounted.

Thus, according to state health officials, gonorrhea is on the rise.

As reported by Fox News, by October, cases of the sexually transmitted disease had surpassed 2019’s total count.

Fox nails the numbers:

Last year, an estimated 18,264 gonorrhea infections were reported in Michigan. The state this year is on track for a 22% increase in infections.

So that forcefield between folks the governor tried to affix?

It got penetrated.

And the clampdown actually made things worse, per the Department of Health and Human Services as delivered by The Detroit News:

The increase “is even more alarming as it is likely an underestimate of the actual burden of disease due to decreased testing for sexually transmitted diseases during the pandemic,” the department said in a statement.

Also a cause: a nationwide shortage of lab supplies and collection kits for testing.

Departmental Chief Medical Executive and Chief Deputy for Health Joneigh Khaldun lamented the lunge of growing gonorrhea:

“A shortage…during a significant statewide increase in cases presents an alarming potential for a host of negative health outcomes for (Michiganians). Because laboratory testing is challenging at this time, it is imperative that medical providers continue to clinically diagnose and treat suspected cases of gonorrhea to slow the spread in our state.”

Of course, there’s been great talk of “slowing the spread” over our planetary pandemic and current curse of COVID-19.

Amid attempts to aptly address the ailment, Gretchen was booed for draconian drama.

But apparently, in lieu of thumbs going up, something else did.

Spirits, that is.

And instead of condemnation, many offered applause: They gave “the clap” — another name for gonorrhea.

Perhaps the populace pervasively minded Michigan’s mask law, but 1 out of 3 won’t do ya much good; here’s Fox with more on the malady:

Gonorrhea…is an STD that can affect both men and women, typically causing “infections in the genitals, rectum and throat,” according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Most people become infected with gonorrhea after having intercourse with someone who has the disease.

Men who have the STD can experience a burning sensation when urinating, discharge from the penis – it’s usually green, yellow or white in color – and swollen testicles. For women, however, symptoms are less obvious – if they’re apparent at all.

“Even when a woman has symptoms, they are often mild and can be mistaken for a bladder or vaginal infection,” the federal health agency says, noting women with gonorrhea “are at risk of developing serious complications from the infection, even if they don’t have any symptoms.”

If a woman does experience symptoms, however, they typically include a burning sensation when urinating, increased vaginal discharge and bleeding between periods, among other signs.

Sounds like a perfect complement to 2020.

Still, if you or someone you love’s experienced any of the above, be sure and get checked — if left unattended, the disease can result in infertility.

Meanwhile, as covered Monday by RedState’s T.LaDuke, Gov. Gretchen’s office may soon be deemed impotent — discussions of her impeachment are goin’ round.

But so is gonorrhea. Hence, if you’re in the Great Lakes State and feel awash with that ol’ sneaky feelin’, think twice.

You’ve already endured Stunning, Turbulent Dystopia this year. No reason to add another STD.

-ALEX