Mommy Dearest: California Mothers With the Milk of Madness, but at Least It's Not Chocolate

(Colin E. Braley/AP Images for The Hershey Company)


You shouldn’t eat sugary food — it could spoil your dinner.

Such is a dandy dictate for a two-year-old.

Or someone tantalized and ten.

Or 20.

Or 74.

Such appears to be the view of government in California, where — up north — a city’s made sweet history.

Once home to the free speech movement, Berkeley wants to regulate not only what can come out of your mouth, but what might go in it.

In a blatant attack on the dental industry, the teethy town’s employing wisdom that’ll see mouths everywhere impacted: There’ll be no more snacks sold in checkout lines.

As reported by AFP, this week, the city council passed a unanimous bill.

Per the legislation, no product with over 5 grams of added sugar — or 250 mg of sodium — will be permitted to surround you as you wait to buy your…items with over 5 grams of added sugar and over 250 mg of sodium.

Also restricted from your immediate surroundings once you’re preparing to pay: drinks high in sugar and artificial sweeteners.

Council member Kate Harrison believes the law keeping your buttery fingers off that Butterfinger is…wait for it…essential:

“The healthy checkout ordinance is essential for community health, especially in the time of COVID-19.”

And, somehow, it’s good for business:

“What is good for Berkeley customers is also good for our businesses.”

The ordinance notes that you’re…well…pathetic:

“[The checkout line is where] shoppers are more likely to make impulse purchases and where parents struggle with their children over demands to buy treats.”

Affected by the ban, which goes into effect next March: 25 large supermarkets, in a span of space comprised of about 120,000 preschoolers people.

AFP notes that Berkeley, “just across the bay from San Francisco, has a track record of pioneering health initiatives.” 

In 2014, it imposed a tax on soft drinks that was adopted by several other major US cities. 

According to a study last year, Berkeley residents reduced their consumption of soft drinks by half by 2017.

Also reduced: awesomeness.

On the other hand, the war on dextrose, lactose, maltose, trehalose, turbinado, sucrose, and galactose — as opposed to high taxes, poverty, homelessness, oppression, suppression, robbery, and murder — might be a good move for the state as a whole. 

After all, once you come down from that would-be sugar high, the crash may impede your ability to escape the angry, violent mob blocking the street and bashing in your windows and annihilating your soon-to-be-banned gas guzzler.

Those goons — who are likely high on sugar — probably got their fix from a back-alley dealer.

Or just anywhere else in the store except the very front.

Either way, kudos to California for saving everyone from that greatest of enemies — free will.



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