I come from Cracker Barrel country. And I know Cracker Barrel people.

Therefore, I’m certain if there’s one place you don’t wanna try any funny business, it’s at your local CB. The men sitting down with their families for a Sunrise Sampler or Country Fried Steak are more than happy to put down their turnip greens and tend to the tumult.

And they won’t need the historic rifle hanging over the fireplace — they’re likely carrying their own boomstick.

The fact is brought to mind by Douglas Lane, who might’ve scored “EG-NO-RA-MOOSE” on a wooden triangular IQ test.

As reported by WSPA, a 15-year-old girl came out of a restaurant restroom Sunday with quite the account for her dad. According to the adolescent, something strange had entered her stall from below: an old man’s head.

The girl’s father passed the problem onto an employee, who had a female staffer fish the guy from the facility.

But Dear Old Dad was waiting at the door, and it wasn’t to invite Mr. Peeps to a checkers match.

An anonymous witness recalls:

“The guy came running, sprinting out the front door (of the building) with a very bloody nose.”

And Daddy wasn’t done.

In fact, by this time, a posse had formed.

According to Duncan, North Carolina Police Chief Carl Long, a group of dads had eschewed Chicken and Dumplins and Hickory-Smoked Ham for the savory taste of justice.

Charlotte’s Channel 7 reports:

[L]ane tried to get away, but other fathers aware of the incident reportedly helped tackle [him] in the parking lot and restrained him until police arrived.

They put the “strain” in “restrain”:

While California liberals expand "rights" for pedophiles … that just doesn't seem to be catching on here in South Carolina. https://t.co/VNNKOc5OOk

— Tara Servatius (@TaraServatius) September 23, 2020

WSPA notes it wasn’t Lane’s first offense — he’s been charged with peeping at least eight times.

Here’s more from local Channel 3:

The North Carolina State Bureau of Investigations says Lane was registered as a sex offender in 2008.

He was convicted of secretly peeping into an occupied room in 2004 in Mecklenburg County, North Carolina, records show. The record says the victims were 8 and 9 years old.

As for the toxic masculinity used to wrangle the repeat offender, Mr. Witness doesn’t sound too broke up about it:

“I really don’t wanna know what I would do. I’d be afraid of what I would do, and I do not judge any of the parents for what they did. In my opinion, he got what he deserved, for sure.

For his trouble, Lane was awarded a cash jury bond for $2,000 and will be placed on GPS for monitoring.

He was charged with voyeurism, along with possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Cracker Barrel is a great place. But attendees won’t tolerate tomfoolery.

Anyone attempting similar shenanigans might just get cracked — if they don’t face a barrel.

I’d say in this case — despite the purported perils of the patriarchy — dads saved the day.

And maybe future would-be victims.

At the Old Country Store, customers served up Old Country Justice.

-ALEX

See more pieces from me:

Party Like It’s 1799: Cops Bust Up an Amish Barn Bash for Violating Ohio’s Stay-at-Home Order

Say Cheese: Costco Cancels a Pimento Based on Mayor’s Portrait of Black Lives Matter

Man’s Penis Falls Off, Doctor Adds One to His Arm

Find all my RedState work here.

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