There are times when you really need the advice of experts.

This may not be one of them.

As reported by the New York Post, a Harvard University study concludes safe sex during the pandemic may require a medical mask — great news for those with secret ninja kinks, but less than good for asthmatics.

Whether you’re one or the other, you might soon find that your responsible rendezvous reduces both you and your partner to faceless objects.

The research — which was published in the…wait for it…Annals of Internal Medicine — ranked intimate incidents by risk.

The worst: shenanigans in the sheets with someone who, nail-bitingly, hasn’t been quarantined.

So if that special someone isn’t a monumentally debilitated shut-in, then I’m sorry: There’ll be no kissing — French or Eskimo.

Also per the study, you’ll need to shower before and after, avoid — I’ll just say — unnecessary orificial antics, and stay clear of anything involving urine or semen.

Oh — and clean everything with soap or alcohol wipes.

Sounds like a reeeeeeeeeal romantic night, you lovebird, you.

And for all you cohabitating homebodies, don’t get cocky — there’s still a risk even if both of you’ve been in quarantine together:

For instance, if one partner goes outside to run an errand and is exposed to the virus, they can transmit it to the other. Even if that person is ultimately an asymptomatic carrier, they can still infect the other.

Rats!

In case you were wondering how to wholly avoid coital COVID, the study notes that abstinence is safest, “though not feasible for many.”

There’s also another solitary option, but I think we already know what that one is.

Outside of those, it sounds like the best thing you could do for your health is keep from being face-to-face. Maybe put on your masks and see if you can manage a back-to-back workup.

If you’re still confused, fortunately, your leaders have you covered.

I’ll let the Post lay out the rest:

Other recommendations have come out since the coronavirus outbreak in the US, with some of them providing graphics to enhance the lessons. In April, the Oregon Health Authority released a sex guide that went viral, just weeks after the same happened to one released by the NYC Department of Health. The Oregon example stood out for its illustrations of condoms, a fleshlight and a peach, and NYC’s with its vivid warning for anal rimming.

There you have it, folks. Perhaps centuries ago, “safe sex” meant having a friend watch out for bears. But these are truly threatening times.

So get with the program and smolder smartly — soap down the room, put on your surgical mask, and enjoy your delectable date with Dr. Love.

-ALEX

See 3 more pieces from me:

To Fight COVID-19, UK Bans Multi-Household Trysts

Move Over, Murder Hornets – Beware the Coronavirus Cannibal Rat

Criminally Bright: Robbers Try to Outsmart a Masked World by Wearing Watermelons On Their Heads

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