When you’re carrying drugs in your anus, it’s best not to shoot yourself in the testicles.

So goes the conventional wisdom, apparently not twice heard by a 27-year-old named Cameron.

The 13-time convicted felon was walking around his Cashmere, Washington apartment in April, toting a balloon full of marijuana in his colon — as one does — when his pistol accidentally discharged.

The bullet went right into his sack — and I don’t mean the “knap” kind.

According to a probable cause affidavit filed April 16th, while doctors treated his gunshot wound to the jewels, the rubber bag of weed exited his rectum.

Purportedly, before heading to the hospital with bulleted balls, Cameron had given his gun to a friend for safekeeping. Having been convicted of felonies over a dozen times, he knew possessing a firearm was forbidden.

But Chelan County Sheriff’s detectives got word of the butt bag and ball blowout. Subsequently, they searched his car at the hospital and discovered methamphetamines in the pocket of a bloody pair of jeans.

A warrant was issued for possession of a firearm and unlawful possession of meth. Cameron was charged April 16th. He turned himself in two days later.

And that’s the end.

Just kidding: During a strip search at the jail, he made number two: Cam crapped out a second container of kush.

There goes another charge — possession of a controlled substance in a correctional facility.

As reported by The Wenatchee World, investigators were listening in on Cameron’s jailhouse calls to his girlfriend, during which he told her not to cooperate with the cops.

Boom: Four counts of tampering with a witness.

The three incidents will be addressed separately in superior court.

On July 9th, the millennial pleaded not guilty to tampering charges, having done the same regarding the other counts on May 1st.

He’s being held on $110,000 ball. I mean, tail. I mean, bail.

The young man joins what is surely the very short list of people who’ve shoved drugs up their butt and then shot themselves in the nuttiest place to point a gun.

Here’s to hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

-ALEX

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