As a macho, hairy-backed savage, do you really just need a good cuddle? I don’t mean a spooning session with your girl; I’m talkin’ ’bout a cozying-up with another dude.

A school in Pennsylvania thinks it’s about time you got healthy: According to the American Psychological Association, “traditional masculinity is psychologically harmful.”

Now you’ve got a chance to be rosy-cheeked, warm, and maybe get some tickles. From a cuddlebunny you might otherwise be fist-fighting at a bar.

Bethlehem’s LeHigh University is promoting a Philadelphia-area male-to-male cuddling group so bros can relieve their stress. Because — as we all know — nothing eases anxiety for the average man like the embrace of hairy arms and some guy named Hugo’s cologne on his neck.

Another reason for the initiative: to “redefine masculinity.”

Dr. Christopher Liang — co-author of the aforementioned APA report — serves as a counseling psychology professor at LeHigh. The school’s College of Education recently trumpeted Chris’s endorsement of the local Men’s Therapeutic Cuddle Group:

“These types of groups can be healthy and helpful for men and women,” said Chris Liang, a licensed psychologist and associate professor of counseling psychology at [LeHigh].

Liang researches the effect of masculinity on health and was part of a board that helped the American Psychological Association (APA) formulate new guidelines on working with boys and men.

As for the guidelines of the cuddle sessions, Meetup.com lays ’em out:

CUDDLE GROUP CHECK LIST:
1. Your donation will be accepted. Thank you!
2. If you are observed to be “under the influence…” you cannot participate. You will be asked to leave.
3. You must be hygienically sound. Shower or freshen-up before meetings.
4. Please be on time.
5. Participants remain fully clothed at all times (wear comfortable clothes)
6. Your tears and laughter are welcome.

Wonderin’ what to expect while you’re boo-hooin’ and snottin’ into Average Joe’s ear? Here ya go:

YOUR FIRST STEP TO CUDDLING; Holding a man “motorcycle style”:
Two or three men can participate. One of the men, the “holder”, sits on a pillow on the floor with his back against a wall or sofa. The 2nd man; the one being held, sits in front of the holder facing forward so his back rests on the holder’s chest, his head on the shoulder. The holder will embrace the man around the chest and in time, may be asked for additional forms of affection such as hand holding, hair or beard stroking, back rubbing, hand massages, etc. This holding style makes way for group cuddling which may include spooning, just lounging on each other or forming a “cuddle train”. Some guys may want to cuddle with a man who may carry the energy of a loving father, a brother, or the jock who may not have affirmed them in high school. Other men may choose NOT to cuddle someone who reminds them of, for instance, their abusive teacher, uncle or a childhood bully.

Cuddles begin at 7:15. “Partners will switch out with other men in 15 minute intervals.”

8:00 begins “Affection/holding, cuddling ‘puppy pile’ style.”

Sounds nice.

As pointed out by LeHigh Education News, if you’re a man, there’s one especially important reason to participate in the testosterone tangling: Placing your head-to-toe self against various testicle’d strangers may keep you from murdering them.

Many men never learn healthy ways to deal with stress, Liang said. Then, it can emerge in harmful ways.

According to the APA, men commit 90 percent of homicides in the U.S. and represent 77 percent of homicide victims. They’re also more than three times as likely as women to die by suicide, and their life expectancy is nearly five years shorter, largely because of both violence and the health impact of stress.

So remember: The next time you want to blow your head off or revert to your old homocidal-maniac ways, just cruise into Philly, hook up with a strange same-sex partner, put yourselves in the Batman Siamese Human Knot of Death, rub him like Aladdin’s lamp, and bawl your masculine eyes out.

Happy redefining.

-Alex

See 3 more pieces from me: Tucker Carlson complimenting an “awful, idiotic, nasty, self-righteous moron,” Baldwin vs. Baldwin, and “AOC sucks.”

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