We Wish You A Merry BLANK


Every year hysterical Christians – who obviously enjoy most favored status in the United States and are therefore immune to persecution, mockery, oppression, suppression, silencing, hurt feelings, and some forms of that flesh eating bacteria – get their magic underwear (that’s Christian right?) into a bunch over imaginary and perceived slights to their precious not-so-religious money-grubbing commercial holiday – presided over by an overweight, elf-enslaving, animal rights violating tyrant in a a suspiciously flamboyant outfit (NTTAWWT) – and express their high holy dudgeon in totally inappropriate ways that prove what a bunch of backward, paranoid, stupid, unscientific lamewads they are. I mean … that’s what I hear.


The War On Christmas™ (patent pending) is a favorite topic at this time of year, most especially in the hands of religion-hating leftists and ingratiating “reasonable” righties who salivate at the opportunity to bash the lesser beings populating revival tents or watching The 700 Club. This year is no exception. But in between the smug Facebook posts from Very Important Christians who are “above” worrying about cups or glaciers or songs (do please have their Nobel prizes delivered immediately) and of course the pretend “fact-checking” from websites that are actually merely in the business of liberal opinion blogging, isn’t it worth asking if there may be some kernel of a point here? Just a kernel, that’s all I’m saying.

Let us look at a specific example: Simon Malls. They have something new this year, and it’s not making customers happy. Here in Charlotte, South Park mall has replaced the traditional Santa layout with a glacier. Or iceberg. Some kind of frozen water anyway. I’m not kidding, here’s a picture.


Now, the reason they gave was that they wanted to make something “fresh and exciting.” Fresh and exciting? Does that look fresh and exciting to you? I mean, maybe in the sort of “I’m at the dentist for a brand new set of dentures” kind of way, sure. But in a Christmas way? Here is how Santa puts his hat on in that contraption:


Our special effects are AWESOME.

People rebelled against this rebellion against tradition, and a petition was started on Change.org. Eventually, the mall relented and agreed to put up a Christmas tree, as they have done in every previous year with Santa.

Of course, it wasn’t only Charlotte. The same thing happened in White Plains, New York, with the same result. And Hackensack, New Jersey.

The reason for the backlash should be obvious. (I mean, besides the terrifying, sterile, Terry Gilliam directed post-apocalyptic future motif.) People like their traditions.

You will note that I didn’t say “Americans like their traditions” or “right-wingers” like them, or Christians do. People do. People everywhere. It is part of a word leftists love to use called “culture.” And the quasi-religious mix of Santa and Jesus at Christmas each year is part of the American culture. Sorry, it just is. And there is nothing wrong with displaying that.

But what about the cups, you say? Well what ABOUT the cups? Starbucks changed their cup design to remove snowflakes and ornaments and whatever other “holiday’ symbols they were previously using in their effort to pretend that Christmas doesn’t have a Christian origin, and some people got upset. People get upset about things. We just talked about this. One guy said it is because they “hate Jesus,” which is a rather remarkably unsupportable claim, but is most definitely his opinion, and more importantly, it’s an opinion. It is at least as much of an opinion as “Republicans hate gays,” isn’t it? Equally unprovable.


Oh sure, the Facebook preacher will offer his evidence of why Starbucks hates Jesus, and Democrats will offer theirs about why conservatives want the earth to dissolve in a sea of molten fossil fuels because they like it when children die, but these are opinions. There may be evidence either way, but you can’t “prove” someone hates someone. You also cannot disprove it, which makes the idea of fact-checking the opinion a stupid idea. But that is exactly what fact-checking website Snopes did. And why would they do that? Did Christmas wake up in a bathtub full of ice with its kidneys missing? No.

Now pay attention, this is the important part, kids. They did that because the most celebrated and enjoyed aspect of the War on Christmas controversy each year is the Piety Race. It’s a proud liberal tradition, still in its early years but already snuggling in for a long holiday visit, where leftists and self-important “smart’ people race to prove how quickly they can sneer at the dumb Christians. You can’t fact-check some guy on Facebook who says that Starbucks hates Jesus because of a cup. His evidence IS the cup! If the guy making the video is stupid, how stupid are the stupid lefties and pious righties rushing to make sure everyone knows how stupid they think he is? The answer is very. As in very stupid.

Every year, and without fail, there are attempts to block Christmas displays. Oh, you can step up onto your ivory tower’s podium and shout mic check all you want, but it won’t make that not so. It does happen. In fact, atheists think it’s pretty funny to challenge Christian displays. It’s a sport. They make Satanic displays and spaghetti monster statues and “cleverly” insist that they are just as valid as Christianity and therefore deserving of equal time and equal public space. They argue their cause like a college student who thinks he has discovered some chink in The Man’s (sorry, “The Person‘s”) armor, all excited and sort of manic and definitely ready to throw their brilliance through the cell door onto Clarice’s face. They want you to challenge them so they can brag about not believing in fairy tales, and tell you how often, and for how long, they engage in coitus with Science!™ because it is how they impress themselves.


People put up ads trashing Christianity, and make TV shows and movies mocking Christianity. But when Christians say “well it seems like you guys are trying to get rid of Christianity,” those exact same mockers and haters turn around and mock even more. How paranoid you are, they shout. What a stupid theory. You’re all worked up over a fake war on Christmas, you Christian rube! It just goes to show how gullible you Goddies really are!

Oh the hilarity of those who prove that which they seek to debunk.

Yes, every year, you hear about this “War on Christmas” and, if you go by the numbers, it’s really not much of a war. Christians are winning by a country mile. They got the tree back, after all, non-Christian though it may be. They get displays at the White House and Rockefeller Center. It’s still the biggest shopping event of they year, one on which our retail industry is heavily reliant.

But don’t pretend nothing happens or that people who worry when the symbols of this big important holiday, the biggest holiday of the year, one with many long-held and cherished traditions, one that is religious for millions of Americans, one that is factually and without question of Christian origin, start getting wiped away.

On our wall is a chart. On it are little hashmarks. A measurement of height. At many points on this chart are little age notations with initials. This tracks the growth of our children over the years. It’s a tradition. If something is spilled, or someone bumps into it, and one year gets wiped away, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the chart. It’s not a war on the chart. But we’ll care. We’ll be sad. That’s how it works.


You don’t have to agree there is a war on Christmas, and you don’t even have to care about Starbucks cups (I don’t) or even Santa’s alien egg zoo habitat (unless you value your sanity). But please, for the love of … well, God .. can you just take five minutes to get off your high horse and realize that you don’t have to be from a foreign culture to have a culture, and maybe realize that people don’t like seeing their treasured traditions denigrated, mocked, destroyed, or removed by a nasty, increasingly irreligous, and irrevocably irreverent country? Can you do that?

Thanks. That’d be great.



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