From the 'Didn't Think That One Through' Files: Gay and Trans Pair Decide To Join ISIS

This is either the story of the dumbest people on the planet, or the plot for a totally edgy sitcom that I cannot WAIT to watch. Except in either case, it’s bound to be cancelled pretty soon, and not with a happy ending

According to the Daily Mail, a Russian “transsexual and her gay friend,” feeling oppressed in Russia and enamored of online ISIS propaganda against the West, have headed off to Syria to join ISIS, apparently unaware of how the Islamic fundamentalist terror group treats transsexuals and their gay friends.

In case anyone needs a refresher, they throw them off the roofs of buildings to their deaths.

From the article:

Russian authorities have expressed fears for the lives of a transsexual man and his gay friend after they were reported to be heading to Syria captivated by Islamic State fundamentalist propaganda.

Dubbed the ‘battle trannies’ by the Moscow media, the two suspects Alexei T. and Viktor E – who prefers to be known as Viktoria and dresses as a woman – are accused of maintaining contacts with armed extremist groups.

Another police source Alexander Vinogradov said: ‘We would always be interested in stopping people from joining a terrorist organisation but in this case there is a double motive, as our information is that this would not be accepted if they managed to get all the way to Syria, and it is unlikely that they would live very long once their sexual orientation was revealed.’

Would not be accepted?? That is certainly one way to put it. Also .. “battle trannies”? I’m trying not to laugh at the story of two people who may be off to a summary execution but, I mean, come on, Daily Mail. You’re killing me here.

And though the tale may have a real bummer of a last act, it is not without its unintentionally hilarious commentary from locals, as is tradition in local news stories from around the world.

Viktoria’s aunt said her nephew and his friend were not known as being the most intelligent people in the neighbourhood and she confirmed that Viktoria was taking hormone replacement therapy to start the transformation of becoming a woman.

He ‘did not have enough money for the surgery and asked relatives but we all refused.

‘The next thing we knew was that they were wanted by the police after it was found they had gone to join ISIS.

‘Viktor had been walking around in women’s clothes and wearing makeup and was living with his mum before converting to radical Islam.

Not the most intelligent, you say? Get out of town! Also, I’d bet good money it’s not the first time the sentence “was living with his mom before converting to radical Islam” has ever been typed. I bet that one’s come up a few times.

The only thing this article is missing is the phrase “Florida man.”

Now, before you feel too awful bad for our intrepid, disillusioned pair skipping off to death, just remember this is happening because they are ACTIVELY TRYING TO BECOME TERRORISTS. The local media report that the pair joined and then left a mosque in the area because it wasn’t radical enough. People. This is the very definition of be careful what you wish for.

As a reminder, terrorists aren’t exactly known for their sharp intellects in general. Remember the genius that took a selfie in front of ISIS HQ and the Air Force bombed the snot out of it? Yeah. We’re not talking about a real brain trust here.

But this is something else besides tragic and darkly comic. It is also a reminder of the absurdities that occur seemingly exclusively on the leftward side of the political spectrum. This is almost* the Platonic ideal of the clueless Western liberal. So full of hate for the intolerant developed world. So taken with the righteous rebellion of the downtrodden foreign fighters looking to throw off the yoke of bourgeois capitalism. Civilization bad, terror good.

As a side note in this carnival ride, here is the eye-popping final paragraph of the Daily Mail’s story:

Islam is clear in its prohibition of homosexual acts based on the teachings of the Quran as it clashes with the ‘natural’ order in which God created human beings, brings destruction to the family and the institutions of marriage and leads people to ignore God’s guidance in other areas of life.

Who is recruiting who here? Anyway, consider this a public service announcement. If you are gay or trans and living in Russia, don’t try to join ISIS. Seriously. Start an Occupy group or something. Go through your options. Make a flow chart. Think it through.

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Follow @CalebHowe on Twitter.

*(Lest you sneer at Kamchatka as part of the West, it is modern enough that Viktoria had access to hormone replacement therapy. It is remote, but still governed Russian, relies on tourism, and has typical Western amenities like fast food, high speed internet, mobile phones and so on.)