Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...

Brazil has a problem. Well, Brazil has many problems, but I'm willing to bet this one wasn't on anyone's bingo card:

Cocaine sharks. Yes, really.

Cocaine Shark is already a horrible looking B-movie, but it’s also a reality as trace amounts of the drug have been detected in sharks near Brazil.

While a rampaging cokehead great white would undoubtedly make for an excellent antagonist, the reality is slightly less exciting and far more alarming in the grand scheme of things. Cocaine makes its way into the ocean through several avenues, including release from inadequate sewage treatment facilities and stray packets dropped into the water by smugglers that then get bitten open by wildlife (the latter scenario sounding rather familiar).

Due to these processes, traces of cocaine have been detected in sewage and surface waters in at least 37 countries between 2011 and 2017. The drug has also infiltrated various forms of aquatic life, including mollusks, crustaceans, and bony fish. But with all that said, no studies had ever looked into whether sharks are affected.

OK, so it's only traces of cocaine. Not great whites hoovering up bags of cocaine, like the infamous (and awesome) B-movie "Cocaine Bear." The sharks, as well as the other oceanic organisms, probably aren't showing any effect from the cocaine, unlike the bear in that great piece of American cinema - or even some real-life bears.

See Related: Montana Grizzlies Are Getting Drunk, Passing Out, and Being Hit by Trains 

Seriously? Florida Lawmaker Proposes Relaxing Rules on Shooting... Bears on Crack. 

Here's what they did find, the Gizmodo story (linked above) reported:

In a paper published last week in the journal Science of the Total Environment, Brazilian researchers sought to rectify that by capturing 13 Brazilian sharpnose sharks off the coast of Rio de Janeiro. The species is relatively small, measuring under three feet (0.9 meters) in length, and it feeds mostly on small fish and squid.

After capturing the sharks, the scientists dissected them to get samples of their muscles and livers, which were then analyzed for signs of cocaine and related chemicals. The results were shocking: Every single shark tested positive for cocaine, while 12 of the 13 had benzoylecgonine—a chemical produced when cocaine is filtered through the liver—in their systems.

Well, that is disappointing; I mean, if you're going to be able to brag about cocaine sharks, they may as well be great whites. The idea of a 15-foot, one-ton, razor-toothed aquatic death missile is awesome enough, but having one of these beasts jacked up on cocaine? Now you're talking. 

In fact, I can think of a few uses for great white sharks jacked up on cocaine; dropping a few off the coast of Somalia would probably go a long way to eliminating the piracy problems in those waters, while a few dozen crazed great whites suffering from withdrawal symptoms might deter drug dealers smuggling narcotics through the Gulf of Mexico. Sharks can, after all, reportedly smell blood from miles away; one wonders how far away an addicted shark that has the creepy-crawlies from cocaine withdrawal could smell a few dozen packets of blow, and what they would do to get their next fix.

At least the cocaine sharks couldn't come out on land and pursue their bad habit. We hope.

This seems appropriate.