In my previous Caregiver's Diary entry, I wrote about the dramatic conclusion to "Appointmentpalooza," the long list of doctor's appointments mom and I both had within a roughly six-week time frame starting in early September.
On the top five list of things that have been reaffirmed with me through my four and a half years of being a full-time caregiver is that you will absolutely be tested on multiple fronts, and the tests will hit indiscriminately - sometimes when you're already seemingly at wit's end and think you can't handle anymore.
Without question, having one, sometimes two, doctor's appointments to go to in the same week for six weeks was definitely a test for me on so many levels. Thankfully, most were routine, and about half of them were close by. But it was the concerning ones, like the biopsy scare I had at the dermatologist's office (thankfully, the second biopsy came back with clear margins), and Mom's CT scan and lab work appointments that were the true tests of my mettle.
Throughout those six weeks, I prayed a lot for God to help me work through my anxiety and the roller coaster of emotions, the what-ifs. My main prayer, of course, was that it would be His will for us that the appointments go well, so we could enter the holiday season with a little less worry on our shoulders. This was more or less my standing prayer request ahead of the two biggies:
As part of her ongoing post-chemo monitoring, my mom has two pretty important doctor's appointments this week. One is to have CT scans done, and the other is to go over the results and also do lab work. Requesting prayers that the reports/results/numbers we get from the visits will show nothing of concern, and that we will be blessed not only with that but also with a little bit of worry taken off our shoulders as we head into the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season.
Sometimes I did pretty well at keeping the negative thoughts at bay; other times, not so much. But during the week when we had what we hoped would be the last two of the year - the CTs and the labs - a sort of calm began to wash over me.
It's something that's happened before on the eve (or morning of) Mom's CTs and labs, and it's an unusual feeling to have for me because my default on these appointments used to be full-blown worry about what the results would be and how Mom and I would handle them if they weren't what we were hoping for.
Though I had my worries last week, I didn't let them consume me. I was more nervous in the weeks leading up to those appointments than I was on the days in which the appointments were scheduled. I know that was God working within me on this, y'all, because I don't have the strength to control how I feel and react on my own when it comes to these matters.
The calm that has washed over me since the appointments concluded - and since we got the encouraging results we did from her medical oncologist - has been, like the results themselves, a true blessing. It's given both mom and me time to relax, recharge, and hit the "reset" button on some things we wanted to do but had put on hold until we could get through all of the appointments with presumably no issues.
I'm under no delusions, though, about what the future may or may not have in store in the near future for mom and/or me, because God's plans are His own. Mom is 83 and has been through a lot, and I'm not getting any younger myself. I feel a new ache, pain, or twinge nearly every day to the extent that I've even taken to jokingly speculating on the possibility that someone out there has a voodoo doll of me that they stick pins into in random places every time I get up out of my chair. ;)
As they say, "You know you're getting old when..." But I'm grateful God is still allowing Mom and me the blessing of being able to wake up each day to enjoy it together.
