Yep, I'm pretty sure this is going to be the stupidest thing you read about today. No, really.
According to law enforcement authorities in Arizona, 33-year-old Shake Shack employee Keondre Simmons apparently decided his paycheck wasn’t cutting it, so he allegedly tried to take a more direct approach to employee compensation — and "give himself a raise," as it were.
Simmons allegedly entered the location where he worked through a rear door on Monday, August 3, armed with a semi-automatic handgun. According to prosecutors, he forced one co-worker into a walk-in cooler at gunpoint before ordering the manager to open the safe and hand over roughly $2,800 in cash.
It gets worse — make that "funnier."
Here's more:
[Simmons] then returned to work two days later, where he was promptly arrested.
Keondre Simmons, 33, was taken into custody on Wednesday, August 5th in the parking lot of the Shake Shack near Scottsdale and Greenway Road, the same location where police say he robbed two coworkers at gunpoint two days earlier.
Simmons is accused of locking the employees in the cooler, taking and destroying their cellphones, and then destroying the store’s landline phone — apparently believing that if you smash enough phones, law enforcement simply ceases to exist.
You ever watch the crime shows — "The First 48," "Forensic Files," et al. — and ask yourself how some of these people can be that stupid? I mean, if at least some of them would watch a month or two of one or more of these shows, perhaps they'd rethink their various "master plans."
Then again, you can't fix stupid.
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The would-be robber apparently wasn't happy about being arrested.
A Phoenix man is accused of robbing the Scottsdale Shake Shack he works at, and he was arrested two days later when he showed up for his next shift. Ford Hatchett has more from the court paperwork on the brazen crime. #abc15 pic.twitter.com/Sox8iII4Ay
— ABC15 Arizona (@abc15) August 10, 2026
According to officials, Simmons allegedly confessed to the location of the handgun that was used during the robbery, and it was recovered by police.
People, enjoy life. "Touch grass," as the silly saying goes. But don't be like Keondre.