So according to the Decision Desk, the candidates who won the Iowa caucuses were Hillary Clinton and Ted Cruz. But who really won and lost tonight?

Winners

Ted Cruz: He stumped Trump. Enough said.

Hillary Clinton: She survived. That’s all she needed.

Marco Rubio: He nearly stumped Trump, and he now trails Cruz by one delegate.

Emerson College: They called the Rubio surge.

National Review: They took heat with respect to Trump, but he didn’t win.

Fox News and Megyn Kelly: Trump was punished for skipping the debate.

RedState: We dumped Trump early, and Cruz and Rubio have been our candidates for a long time.

Losers

Donald Trump: He’s bragged about winning the polls for months, but the first actual vote went against him.

Bernie Sanders: This was one of his most favorable states. He failed. He’s done, he just doesn’t know it yet.

Right to Rise PAC: They shot at Rubio. They missed.

Nazis: Cucked again.