Who will have the guts to follow these New Years' resolutions for conservatives?

shutterstock_356817017Here are a set of resolutions to follow for the new year. Let’s see who can keep ’em:

  • I will not fall in love with any candidate.
  • I will not put my blind faith and trust in any candidate.
  • I will not use the two previous resolutions to justify screaming at any politician that doesn’t line up with my beliefs 100%.
  • I will remind myself that despair is not only a sin; it’s one of the really bad sins.
  • I will read this article until I can see it floating in space whenever I close my eyes.
  • I will always remember that, whenever I am out ranting at a politician, other people will just see the rant, and not the reasons for it. And that those people vote, too.
  • I will remember that a petulant whine does not become less petulant, or less of a whine, when it’s me doing it.
  • I will learn to lose gracefully.
  • I will learn to win gracefully.
  • I will learn to distinguish between me winning and my favored candidate winning.
  • I will admit that I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake, at least when it comes to the ballot box.
  • I will stop ignoring every victory that has happened for the last seven years, simply because I kind of enjoy being miserable.
  • I will try to stop enjoying being miserable.
  • I will no longer blame everybody else for my side’s troubles, and never assign even a crumb of responsibility to my own actions.
  • I will remember that there are other races out there besides the Presidency.
  • I will remember that there is no such thing as a meaningless election. If it wasn’t important, it’d be an appointed position.
  • I will remember that ‘inconvenient observation’ does not equal ‘untrue observation.’
  • I will remember that, whenever I praise a candidate, that I will SAY WHAT POSITION THE CANDIDATE IS RUNNING FOR, AND IN WHAT STATE.
  • I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, [deep breath] EVER click on any unsolicited email link and give the candidate who sent it money. I will instead decide what causes are important to me, see which candidates are speaking out on those causes, and then go and give them money.
  • I will stop pretending that any one, specific cause is always going to make the difference between a candidate winning or losing.
  • I will stop pretending that you can say anything you like in the primary and it won’t make a difference in the general.
  • I will stop saying anything in the primary that I will regret in the general.
  • I will stop acting as if there’s no reason to be upset when somebody refuses to abide by the results of a primary that they happened to lose.
  • I will stop pretending that trying to kick somebody else in the privates is not an implicit invitation for them to kick you right back.
  • I will remember that commenting is nice, but physically volunteering for a campaign is nigh-infinitely better.
  • I WILL STOP CALLING PEOPLE NAMES. Doing that causes brain damage. Seriously, look at hardcore progressive sites’ comment sections. Half of those people write as if they’ve had numerous concussions.
  • I will concede that, as a general rule, the only practical result from announcing that you’re taking your ball and going home is that other people will simply believe you, and start ignoring you forthwith.
  • I will get it through my head that “I’m going to vote third party!” DOES NOT WORK as a threat. At this point, the people that the threat is directed to are ready to hold the door.
  • I will admit that the Internet is full of people who “have been lifelong Republicans and worked on dozens of campaigns and done everything for the party and now they’re DONE with the GOP, DONE, do you hear me?!?” – and that there’s absolutely no way to tell apart the ones who have been with the ones who are just lying about it.
  • I will always double-check any story that is too good, or too bad, to be true. And then I will wait forty-eight hours anyway.
  • I will accept with good grace the commonplace observation that, if I have been fighting dirty up to this point and lost anyway, people may be remarkably and understandably disinterested in letting me join the winning team.
  • I will stop using the common stereotype of conservatives as any sort of excuse to be a miserable [expletive deleted].
  • And, finally: if I am upset about one or more of these resolutions, I will take it out on [whichever faction on my side that annoys me the most] by immediately going and volunteering for a campaign on the local, county, or state level. Because that will show them.


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