Some Honest, Friendly Advice for Hillary Clinton

So listen, Hillary, I know that you have no reason to believe that I would offer you honest advice without malice. We’ve had a rocky relationship over the years and I’ve said some things about you that have been… less than flattering. I’d completely understand if you ignored this, but all I can tell you is, I honestly don’t care who wins as between you and Trump, and I’m trying to do you a favor. So, you know, take it or leave it.

My advice to you is this: Never be seen in public again between now and election day. Oh, I know you’re going to have to be seen at a few key points – at the DNC, after the California primaries on Tuesday – but those appearances should be as perfunctory and bland as absolutely possible. When they are done, you should go into a bunker and spend the next five months playing Canasta or Candy Crush or whatever it is that you do to occupy your free time. Hand your Twitter account over to an Intern. Enjoy some time off.

Here’s the thing you must realize by now: this election is a race to see which candidate can make the American people hate them more, and the more the American people see you, the more you help Trump. I know this is a difficult pill for you to swallow but you’re super unlikable yourself. Not as bad as Trump, but close.

And every time lately that Trump goes out there and reminds people of what an ignorant sack of waste he is, you have to follow him out there and remind them that you’re not really any better. Your foreign policy speech this week was received in about the best manner possible, but all it did was provide an opportunity for Trump’s goblin surrogates in the media to remind everyone of emailgate and how horribly you handled the whole Benghazi thing. So look, I am telling you, you cannot win by going out in public.

Even your criticism of Trump’s overtly racist remarks about Gonzalo Curiel yesterday – remarks that were condemned across the political spectrum – was unlikable and ineffective and allowed Trump to shift the conversation with Jake Tapper by calling you a “stiff.” Maybe the only thing people will remember from that disastrous interview will be the fact that they remembered thinking, “Yeah, Hillary IS kind of a stiff.” It’s that kind of election.

What you have to ask yourself at this point is whether you want to spend the next five months trying in vain to make people like you, or do you want to be President? I can’t answer that question for you. I know it’s difficult to be widely unliked. But I’ve been led to believe that you want to be President worse than just about anything in the world, so….

When your opponent is racing backwards, the best thing to do is just sit down and let him. And I do mean SIT. DOWN. Do absolutely nothing. Especially when the only gear that you yourself have is also reverse. Eventually, the people in charge of the race will get sick of the spectacle and just declare you the winner.

I know you have people around you who are telling you that you can help yourself by doing this or doing that, or by giving this speech or that speech, but I am here to tell you that the best thing you can do for yourself is to not keep reminding the American people that they hate you almost as much or more than Trump and the best way to do that is to never let yourself be seen, ever.

Donald Trump could have taken over the election by now if he followed this advice, but Donald Trump simply cannot let the news be about anything other than himself. If you want to beat him, you have to prove that you can do what he could not; namely, to shut the eff up and go away for a while.

Anyway, just some friendly advice. I’m sure you probably won’t take it, but my conscience is clean.