Not Today, Internet: Kid Finds Rattlesnake in the Toilet

This is the latest installment of our regular feature, “Not Today, Internet,” in which we take a look at the stories that we really don’t want to. For previous installments, click here. If you have a tip for “Not Today, Internet,” you can email me at [email protected]

It was certainly never my intention to make Not Today, Internet all about snakes, but I’ll be damned if snakes aren’t making the news a lot this week.

Sweet Lord, take me now.

You don’t have to click that story. There’s no reason for you to. Just know that the important information is absolutely horrible. It’s not just any snake the CHILD found in his toilet. It was a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake. Which is to say, one of the most dangerous in the nation.

And there were 23 more of them.

As Nathan Hawkins, the owner of the snake removal business, found out shortly after he arrived, there were 23 more of the rattlesnakes around. Thirteen were hiding out in a cellar and 10 were under the house, including five babies.

On the Big Country Snake Removal Facebook page, the team explained how so many of the creatures could be there and escape notice. “It’s actually quite simple; rattlesnakes are secretive and can be very cryptic — They rely heavily on their camouflage. This is simply how they survive. Just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t there…”

No. No no no. No.

Damnit. Now I’m going to see them everywhere. And I don’t even live in Texas. This is the worst. I didn’t need a fear of a rattlesnake sneaking up on the good’n’plenty while I’m taking care of business. I have enough fears as it is.

Why is this happening? Who allowed this? I demand names.