BREAKING: Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot to Build a Wall Around the City to Prevent Abbott From Shipping Migrants There

AP Photo/Tom R. Smedes

Note: The following is satire. We wish we didn’t need to spell that out but…


Chicago, IL – Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot has made a stunning about-face after Texas Gov. Greg Abbott began busing illegal immigrants to Chicago amid a national migrant crisis at the southern border. City officials have been hard at work developing solutions to what could become a serious problem for the Windy City.

Now that blue cities are being forced to reap the consequences of the open borders policies their leaders support, Lightfoot has found herself in quite a predicament. During a recent press briefing, the mayor announced plans to implement a series of policies designed to stem the flow of migrants into the city, one of which is building what she calls “a big beautiful wall” around the city limits to deter Abbott’s buses from entering.

“We need to stop this invasion once and for all and make sure these people aren’t bringing crime and changing the demographics of our wonderful city,” Lightfoot said during a press briefing. “My office has already been in touch with contractors that we hope will be able to erect steel slats all around the city to ensure the safety of our citizens.”

When asked by a reporter why she has changed her mind after being a vocal proponent of the city’s sanctuary status and other open border measures, she replied, “Look, pretending to care about the plight of brown people crossing the border is the thing you do when you’re a Democrat and you know your city will never have to deal with the issue.”

She added: “We see where this is going. This Abbott guy isn’t going to stop this busing thing until someone does something about the border situation. Since the president doesn’t want to do anything about the problem, we see that we will be dealing with this until after 2024. We need the wall immediately.”

It was reported earlier that Lightfoot shipped migrants that arrived on the Abbott Express™ to a neighboring suburb without notifying the mayor of that city. Sources familiar with the matter told reporters they overheard her saying, “I’ve already got enough to deal with without having all these Mexicans flooding our city – we’ll just let some other poor sap handle it.”

Before addressing reporters, Lightfoot also noted that she is considering calling for a “complete and total shutdown” on migrants from Central America coming into the city “until we can figure out what the hell is going on.”

Another journalist pushed back during the conference, asking where these migrants will go if they cannot gain entry into the city. Lightfoot responded:

“My team is putting together another policy. We’re gonna call it the ‘Remain in Missouri’ policy, which will require these people to stay in our neighboring state while we figure out if we want them here or whether they would be too much of a pain in the ass.”

An anonymous source told the press they thought they smelled rye whiskey on the mayor’s breath shortly before the conference, which might explain her uncharacteristic honesty. After announcing the “Remain in Missouri” plan, she abruptly stopped the briefing and staggered off the stage as members of law enforcement helped her into the nearest restroom, where some people described hearing “some of the most frightening gastronomic sounds they have ever heard.”


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