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Beto O’Rourke Announces Plans to Lose Yet Another Election

AP Photo/John Minchillo

Former Texas state and fake Latino Beto O’Rourke is reportedly planning to announce a doomed campaign for governor of the Lone Star State. His entry into the race would give the Democratic Party another opportunity to throw millions and millions of dollars at a Texas candidate who will be soundly defeated next year.

A source close to O’Rourke said:

“Beto has lost a Senate and presidential race. With his gubernatorial run, he is hoping for a three-peat.”

Texas Democratic strategist Rory Wilkins told reporters that O’Rourke’s upcoming campaign will electrify voters in the state, especially those who would rather not have a white guy who thinks he’s Latino in the governor’s mansion. He said:

“O’Rourke is looking forward to a campaign that will crash like a crop duster running out of gas. He’s dusting off the skateboard and buying another journal in which to record his emotions, as he hopelessly canvasses the state.”

The former presidential candidate seems buoyed by the reality that the average Texan would tell you they would rather slit their wrists with a rusty butter knife than vote for him. His team states that he plans to tank his chances for election by vocally proclaiming the virtues of open borders policies in a border state that is on the front lines of the battle against illegal immigration. He will promise to reverse Gov. Greg Abbott’s effort to finish the border wall by cutting miles-long holes in the existing barrier to ensure easier entry for migrants seeking to enter the country illegally.

O’Rourke also indicated he would ensure defeat by working to make it harder for Texans to own firearms. A source close to the matter said:

“Yes, Texas just got Constitutional Carry. But O’Rourke plans to introduce ‘Unconstitutional Uncarry.’ because who cares about some document written by old white men over 200 years ago? The truth is, the only ones who should own guns are police, so they can keep killing black people and giving us political cudgels to use against conservatives.”

O’Rourke is currently putting together his campaign team. According to Timothy Wiley, a friend of O’Rourke’s neighbor, they are working on new slogans. He gave us a few examples:

“You’ve already voted against him. Why not do it again?

A vote for Beto is a vote for Gavin Newsom in Texas!

Who needs guns anyway?”

The media is certainly going to be abuzz with news of O’Rourke’s candidacy, and reporters are going to have a whale of a time propping him up over the next year. It will be quite a losing campaign that the candidate is looking forward to losing. He has not yet indicated what he will do after being beaten like a rug, but there are rumblings of him launching a failing Congressional campaign for 2024.