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Progressive Child’s Rights Activists Suggest Reimagining the Way America Does Childbirth

AP Photo/Mark Lennihan

After the American Medical Association (AMA) suggested that sex should be removed as a legal designation on birth certificates, leftist child’s rights advocates have been calling for a complete overhaul in how the U.S. does childbirth. These intrepid individuals note that while the AMA’s stance on childbirth is a brilliant step towards the equity of the sexes, more work is still required to ensure that America ceases its systemic abuses of children.

A progressive group called No Child Left Misgendered (NCLM) is making a series of suggestions to the medical community and American parents on how the country can make more progress in protecting children. For starters, the group has suggested refraining from naming children when they are born and waiting until they are old enough to choose their names.

During a recent press conference, Lucy McHale-Bullock, NCLM’s executive director, argued that choosing a name for one’s child is tantamount to child abuse. She said:

This archaic practice of naming children when they are only babies is literally raping their identities and is the worst type of child abuse that we have going on in Western society. It sickens me to know that billions of kids are going through their lives with an identity they did not choose.

McHale-Bullock added: “We must have a society in which little humans determine their gender and their names. Anything else is a function of the white supremacist patriarchy and must be destroyed.”

By way of addressing this issue, each member of the NCLM has decided to let their small children, ages 3 to 12 to select their own names. Parents legally changed their kids’ names to their preferred moniker. As a result, six-year-old Edward Patterson is now known as “Snot Ranger,” five-year-old Kayla Purvis is now called “Pink Popcorn Princess,” and eight-year-old Tyler Hodge goes by “Purple Poopy Monster.”

Members of the organization reported that it has taken some time to get used to the new names, but that after the first few weeks, it becomes easy to remember. Marie McPherson recounted, “Toad Slime had a hard time with us at first when we kept calling him Randall out of habit, but now everything is going swimmingly.”

She added: “In mixed company, we just call him ‘TS’ for short.”

NCLM has also suggested removing the words “mother” and “father” from birth records as well, claiming that they are indicative of “white supremacist tendencies.” Instead, these titles will be replaced with “birthing persons,” a favorite of Rep. Cori Bush, and “sperm depositor.”

Pauline Brandt, communications director for NCLM indicated that these changes will allow future generations to be more free and promote equity. “We need a vast overhaul in how America does childbirth and I think the AMA’s pivot on this matter is a welcome sign. All I want is for my little Horse Choker and Finkledust to grow up in a country that nurtures and supports them.”

(Editor’s Note: Clearly, this piece was penned using the sarcasm font. Just pointing that out for those who don’t regularly partake in satire.)