U.S. – Educators across the United States have noted a troubling trend in schools that have recently reopened after being shut down due to COVID-19. As students return to physical learning, a disturbing number of them have engaged in physical altercation after exchanging a rather bizarre type of insult.

In Orlando, FL, two 6^th grade boys resorted to fisticuffs after one of them told the other: “Yo’ birthing person so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application.”

The two boys pummeled each other for 20 minutes before the teacher decided it was time to break them up. Neither child sustained serious injuries.

At an Iowa high school, four students were suspended after participating in a fistfight over these new “yo’ birthing person” jokes. This particular kerfuffle erupted after a teenage girl told another student that her “birthing person was so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.”

While most of these altercations have rarely involved more than five students at a time, a high school in New Mexico was forced to shut down after a riot broke out during Fifth Period, when one student told a teacher’s aid that his “birthing person was so stupid, she failed a COVID test.”

Students overturned desks, threw textbooks, and raided the cafeteria as teachers helplessly stood by and watched the pandemonium.

This novel version of the “dirty dozens” seems to have swept the nation at an alarming clip. Administrators are struggling to develop a solution. “After that Cori Bush lady used the term ‘birthing people’ to describe individuals with the ability to give birth, these kids have gone wild,” said Herman Quinn, principal of Karl Marx High School in California. “While we want children to express themselves, I’m not sure this is healthy.”

The issue has raised concerns among educators about reopening schools. Mindy Lane, a spokesperson for the Chicago Teachers Union said: “The new waves of fistfights are a danger to everyone, especially those of us who are trying to keep safe from COVID-19 and wayward fists.”

A Los Angeles-based teacher expressed similar concerns. “Everyone is talking about reopening the schools. But we didn’t sign up for breaking up fights or correcting misbehavior.”

The term “birthing person” has become popular among progressive leaders seeking to empower mothers by diminishing the concept of motherhood. Unfortunately, an unanticipated consequence has presented itself in adolescents who are using the term to demean fellow students and their birthing persons.

Joey Greenfield, a 15-year-old high school student in West Virginia told me that it’s just a funny way to blow off steam. “Yes, some people get angry, but it’s just jokes, man,” he said before telling me my birthing person was “so fat he took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.”

(Editor’s Note: Clearly, this piece was penned using the sarcasm font. Just pointing that out for those who don’t regularly partake in satire.)