*For you Media Matters types and others without a sense of humor, the following is satire and not meant to be taken literally.
Democratic governors across the country are taking a major step towards curbing the spread of the coronavirus. While the nation celebrates Christmas, progressive politicians have quickly issued new COVID restrictions ostensibly to make sure we don’t all die gruesome deaths because of the virus.
Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer released a statement announcing that her administration is issuing brand new COVID-19 restrictions that would prohibit residents from having any kind of fun for the rest of the holiday season.
“Recent studies conducted by people I have paid handsomely demonstrate that having fun turns hastens the spread of the coronavirus,” the statement read. “For the rest of the month, Michigan residents will be forbidden to engage in activities like socializing with friends, using social media, playing video games, listening to music, binging your favorite TV shows, and more.”
The statement added: “It’s for your safety folks.”
At a recent press conference, Whitmer told reporters: “Look, I know it’s a lot to ask. But we need to think about saving lives here. If we hear reports of people doing fun things, we will be forced to act. Also, we ask that if you see anyone shooting pool, drinking egg nog, or watching Die Hard, please call 911. Now, excuse me, my husband and I are going to have a couple bottles of sherry on his boat.”
California Gov. Gavin Newsom imposed similar restrictions. “It is extremely important that Californians follow the new measures and refrain from doing anything that makes them happy. For the time being, happiness is verboten,” he said during a virtual press conference.
When asked how the authorities would enforce the new measures, Newsom answered, “There are plenty of ways to tell if someone is having fun. Have you seen folks laughing? Smiling? Chances are, they are experiencing the type of enjoyment that leads to more COVID deaths and you should report them immediately.”
Newsom ended the call because he became too distracted playing “Angry Birds” on his phone.
Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam also imposed bans on fun and entertainment. Like Whitmer and Newsom, he claimed that participating in activities that bring pleasure would cause the coronavirus to spread all over the state and kill men, women, and children in the most painful way possible.
During an interview with CNN’s Don Lemon, Northam noted that it’s not just television, games, movies, and drinks that could get people in trouble. “A lot of people are warning about entertainment, but that is not the only way to have fun. Engaging in lively, spirited conversations can also have the same impact. Imagine the harm that telling funny jokes can do? It’s probably best to avoid all kinds of conversation altogether – and yes, that includes text messaging and trolling on Twitter,” he said.
For the time being, the new measures are set to expire at the end of December. But each governor has indicated that they could extend the rules indefinitely if they decide that it will keep people safe. “We just have to be extra extra extra careful, you know? It’s just too important to me – I mean – the nation. It’s about saving lives,” Whitmer said. “And It most definitely isn’t about me enjoying the absolute power I have to intrude in people’s lives for no good reason.”
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