*Promoted from the diaries. – Aaron*

The Obama administration plans to send text messages to fat people and offer online weigh-ins to help the country’s obese population get down to what a cartel of career academics considers to be a healthy weight.

April Fool!

No, wait. This is real.

The Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee–the folks responsible for bringing you the food pyramid–is in the midst of a series of meetings that will determine the government’s official recommendations for healthy eating. The committee meets every 5 years, and this time, the Obama administration has stacked it exclusively with professors from America’s finest ivory-tower institutions. And these professors have a delicious casserole of nanny-statism to serve you.

For example, many on the committee supported Mike Bloomberg’s bans on trans fats and large sodas, with one even suggesting that what New York City did should be replicated on a national level. Another has been a longtime advocate for “plant-based diets.” These professors have concocted plenty of ideas on how to get us to eat what they want to put on our plate, the most absurd of which is the daily text message to the obese.

The DGAC’s recommendations carry a lot of weight, as they determine how much of each type of food the federal government purchases and serves in schools and prisons, on military bases, and in federal office cafeterias. The guidelines are also used to calculate the types and amounts of food that seniors on elder-assistance programs like Meals on Wheels receive.

This means that the “plant-based diet” advocates have the power to serve up kale and bok choy to our soldiers on the front lines, and replace your grandmother’s meat and potatoes with tofu and alfalfa. It would be funny if it weren’t so serious.

To tell Obama’s armada of academics to keep their hands off our diets, let’s tweet at them with #ObamasHungerGames and #FatPolice. And I’d love to hear your most creative slogans and motivational texts that the government could send our full-figured friends. Tweet them to me @BlameTelford or email them to me at [email protected]. Winner gets a Big Gulp!

A couple ideas to get started:

“Get up and get going! You’ve got a big day ahead of you and a big butt behind you.”

“What’s up? Your blood pressure.”

“She can handle your love, but can she love your handles?”