Promoted from the diaries by streiff. Promotion does not imply endorsement.
Warning: This is a satirical article.
Well, the big news this week was the Justice Department succumbing to Democrat demands that the Russia-Trump investigation be a do-over. Not satisfied with the Mueller report’s findings on alleged “collusion” with the Kremlin, Attorney General William Barr announced on Tuesday the appointment of a new Special Counsel: Nicholas Cage. In making the announcement, Barr said: “He has proven his investigative prowess by finding hidden messages on the back of the Declaration of Independence. And we cannot overlook that city of gold he found behind Mount Rushmore.” All the Democrat candidates on the campaign trail welcomed the news.
Front runner Joe Biden, who leads in all the polls taken thus far, ran into some headwinds this past week. The first instance was when he appeared to flip flop on his position in support of the Hyde Amendment which bars federal funding for abortion. Stating his support for the item, he was immediately summoned to the office of Alyssa Milano for a two-hour meeting. He told reporters afterwards that after being “educated” by the childhood actress, he had changed his mind and would now support abolishing the Hyde Amendment.
Later in the week, he stated that he had worked with two former Senators which the press described as “segregationists-” Talmadge of Georgia and Eastland of Mississippi. From there, things got worse when it was revealed that Biden, while a law student at Syracuse University, had appeared in a Klan hood in a yearbook picture. Biden later denied it was he under the hood, but did admit that he was the person in blackface with a chain around his neck.
Pete Buttigieg announced that he and his significant other were pregnant with their first child. Buttigieg underwent successful uterus implant surgery earlier in the campaign. He said that his pregnancy would in no way impact his campaign. He further stressed that he is the only openly gay candidate in the race.
In reaction to Buttigieg’s comments, the campaign of New Jersey Senator Corey Booker released a statement from actress Rosario Dawson when she said: “The rumors that I am the girlfriend of Corey Booker are another example of Republican dirty tricks to make Senator Booker appear straight.” Booker was unavailable for comment and referred all questions to his campaign manager, T-Bone. T-Bone was recently exonerated of filing a false hate crime report in Coon Rapids, Iowa after that city’s prosecutor, Kim Foxx, dropped charges when T-Bone agreed to pay for the repainting of the city’s only police car.
Slavery reparations were in the news this week as the House opened up hearings on the topic. Booker, appearing as a special guest speaker, noted that a DNA test revealed that he was of 45% European ancestry and 47% African ancestry. At the hearing, he pledged that the 45% of his ancestry would be willing to pay reparations to the 47% of his African ancestry. New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez praised Booker saying he was the “only person willing to put his money where his genes are.”
Bernie Sanders released his agricultural reform plan to a packed house of farmers in Iowa. The plan, he said, is largely based on the “successful” reforms in agriculture instituted by former Soviet leader Joseph Stalin known as “Five Year Plans.” Buttigeieg was in New Hampshire where he again stressed that he was the only gay candidate in the race and that he would name a woman as his running mate. He was followed on the stage by Beta O’Rourke who surprised the audience when he announced that he would choose another man as a running mate, then he would undergo a surgical sex change making him the first female president.
Elizabeth Warren shocked the political world when she appeared at a campaign stop in Florida sporting a Somali hair weave. Popular among black women, she later appeared on the cover of Ebony magazine touting her African-American heritage.
At a campaign rally in South Carolina, Joe Biden sounded the alarm when he declared that “Jim Crow was sneaking back.” Jim Crow, you may remember, was exiled to the island of Antigua decades ago. However, reports are that Jim Crow has assembled a small flotilla that appears headed to the United States. The National Hurricane Center dispatched several airplanes to determine the path and intensity of the flotilla.
And finally, Biden predicted that the field of candidates would shrink in the coming months. In unrelated news, the Biden campaign announced that Rick Moranis had joined the campaign in an “unspecified role.” [Hint: he was the star in “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids…” get it?]