Promoted from the diaries by streiff. Promotion does not imply endorsement.
Warning: This is intended to be satirical and farcical while retaining shreds of truth.
Candidate and everybody’s favorite socialist Bernie Sanders made some news when he started a hunger strike in the Senate cafeteria. Among his demands, he wants the food to be redistributed on a more equitable basis and he wants more soft food like cream corn, Jello-O and a larger selection of pudding.
Joe Biden soundly dismissed rumors that he was considering asking Stacey Abrams of Georgia to be his running mate. Said the former Vice President, “I’m sure she’s qualified…it’s that stuff colored gals use in their hair…it just smells bad.”
After the first quarter fundraising figures were announced, Elizabeth Warren, who was far back in the pack, was spotted at the homes of several Hollywood producers trying to trade bushels of maize and beaver pelts for donations. She did receive a promise from director Steven Spielberg for a large donation in exchange for a pair of badger skin moccasins.
Speaking of Stacy Abrams, we can now safely say that thanks to the work of the Georgia State Police, she has been returned to the Mayfair Dairy Farm in Marietta. Abrams was spotted after a local resident noticed Abrams grazing in the nearby field looked like the picture stapled to the lamp post. The anonymous source immediately called police, Abrams was surrounded by a SWAT team, and escorted back to the farm.
The Supreme Court ruled quickly on the case of Cyborg K-2000 (or RGB). In an 8-1 decision and show of unusual bipartisan consensus, the Court ruled to remove Ginsburg from the bench. The lone dissenter was Cyborg K-2000 itself who refused to recuse itself. John Roberts accepted its refusal to recuse citing long-standing Court protocols in order to preserve the integrity of the Court.
Hillary Clinton sounded as if she was open to another run for president in 2020. At a sold out “Evening with the Clintons” event at the Coon Rapids, Iowa Public Library, the 6 people in attendance asked a series of questions of the Clintons. Mayor Jeff Anthofer said the event would have drawn more people, but not too many could afford the $25,000 price of admission.
Several 2020 Democratic candidates showed up at the annual Democratic Youth Forum held in the gymnasium of the Port Morris School in the Bronx. A select group of students from Mrs. Wakefield’s kindergarten class asked probing questions such as “What is your favorite fruit?,” “What is your favorite color?,” and “What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?” For the record, vanilla ice cream won the day prompting a joint news conference by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan Omar to denounce vanilla citing this was proof that the country does not support people of color. Note: CNN has hired the kindergarten panel to moderate the first Democratic debate.
Jim Acosta’s candidacy was short-lived after FBI agents conducted a pre-dawn raid on his home. He is scheduled to appear before a DC judge later in the week facing one count of failing to register as a foreign agent of Russia, 3 counts of lying to investigators, and 427 counts of impersonating a journalist. A CNN news crew caught the scene on camera as armed agents entered his home in full SWAT gear and automatic weapons drawn. An unsuspecting Acosta was caught off-guard and appeared to throw a bowl of oatmeal at one FBI agent.
Jay Inslee made an appearance in Virginia where he again railed against climate change. Said the governor from Washington:
The bad effects of global warming are happening right now and this administration is too blind to see it. Look around you. Already the trees are growing green things. There are these many colored…can I say that?…things coming from the ground. We can’t afford to wait any longer. They said we have only 12 years to address the problem. Well, I’m here today to tell you we have only about one month…
And finally, DNC president Thomas Perez had a sit-down with O’Rourke after O’Rourke again managed to stab yet another audience member at a luncheonette in Greenville, South Carolina in the forehead with a fork. The unfortunate patron who said all they wanted was to enjoy their BLT was treated at a local hospital, but will have a four-pronged scar in his forehead. After the meeting, Perez announced that O’Rourke provided proof that he suffered from Restless Arm Syndrome and would consult late night television and Pandora music streaming for possible medical cures.