Promoted from the diaries by streiff. Promotion does not imply endorsement.
The big news on the Democratic campaign trail was the entry of two new candidates in the mix- Tim Ryan and Eric Swalwell.
All joking aside, the campaign took a twist when the Supreme Court moved front and center when it was discovered that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was actually a cyborg robot. Timely investigative reporting from Big League Politics broke the story. Some had become suspicious after the robot- Model K-2000 produced by LaJolla Robotics, the same company that assembled Nancy Pelosi- began making references from the bench and in speaking engagements about not leaving the Court until Warren Harding was no longer president.
Her removal from the Court will be taken up by the Court itself which has scheduled an emergency hearing in the case of Ginsburg (a/k/a K-2000) vs. Supreme Court. Adam Schiff, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi immediately declared the news a “constitutional crisis.”
Kamala Harris, upon hearing the news, suggested that someone like Ralph Northam or Andrew Cuomo be nominated to the Court. She said, “We need someone who will stop this hideous practice of separating mothers from children at the border! It is better they be separated in the birth canal!”
Corey Booker, on his 2-week “(League of?) Justice Tour,” suggested this would be a good opportunity to remove the iconic statue of Lady Justice holding scales and replacing it with a statue of Lucifer in the Court building.
Georgia authorities put out an all points bulletin for Stacey Abrams after it was discovered she had escaped from Mayfield Dairy Farm of Marietta. A spokesman for the dairy said the staff laments the loss of their prize heifer.
Former South Bend, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg officially entered the race by showcasing his husband/wife and renewing their wedding vows during the announcement in Indiana. Stating that he and his wife/husband wished to have children one day, he immediately suspended his campaign to have a uterus surgically implanted.
John Hicklenhooper… yeah, right…
Don Lemon of CNN hosted a town hall with Julian Castro. Speaking about his health care plan, the all-illegal immigrant crowd of 200 had to be prompted to clap by the host during an awkward moment of silence. Audience member Julio Hernandez (an alias used for obvious reasons) said the crowd “was confused…we thought he was that Gaelic guy with a better tan.”
Speaking of O’Rourke, after the initial enthusiasm after he announced his candidacy, some of the shine is wearing off. Things got worse when he accidentally jumped on a woman at a luncheonette in Coon Rapids, Iowa. The elderly 89-year-old grandmother of six is reportedly doing fine after O’Rourke’s enthusiastic jump managed to break three ribs and the woman’s hip.
Trying to one-up Donald Trump who refuses to release his tax returns, Kamala Harris released 15 years of tax returns. However, Bernie Sanders managed to outdo Harris by releasing 91 years of tax returns dating back to his first job when he turned 16.
Gun control became a potential issue in the campaign with the entry of Eric Swalwell into the race. He intends to make gun control the central theme of his campaign. This led O’Rourke to allegedly complain, “Ah, crap! Everybody’s taking all the good stuff…” Kamala Harris immediately came clean and revealed that although she favors strict gun control, she has a gun “for personal safety.” She then proposed a “commonsense” new law she will champion: a 5-year waiting period before purchasing a firearm and releasing 15 years of tax returns to the ATF.
On a campaign stop in Nevada, O’Rourke came to the defense of embattled terrorist sympathizer Ilhan Omar and used the opportunity to attack President Trump: “We have a man in the White House who uses the words…actually has the nerve to directly quote…a member of Congress. There’ll be no more direct quotes when there is a President O’Rourke!” The crowd of roughly seven people at the B Lounge at McCarran Airport looked on impassively.
Washington governor Jay Inslee appeared on Meet the Press where he blamed everything on global warming- gun violence in Chicago, illegal immigrant caravans, ISIS, 9/11, the space shuttle Challenger, World War II, etc. Speaking to host Chuck Todd, Inslee made a dire prediction if the country doesn’t act soon:
What people don’t understand, Chuck…and I’ve been saying this for some time now… if we don’t do something about climate change, its going to snow somewhere in this country next winter. All you have to do is look at the weather now…things are already getting warmer. Mark my words…within 2 or 3 months we will be seeing the results of our inaction as people will be trying to avoid the heat created by our reliance on fossil fuels…
Joe Biden shocked the political world when rumors surfaced that he was considering Stormy Daniels as a possible running mate. He responded to the rumors: “You can’t believe anything like that. There are several hot chicks under consideration.” That immediately put cold water on the rumor he was considering Stacey Abrams.
Finally, Tulsi Gabbard’s absence from the campaign was explained when 20th Century Fox announced she will star in an all-female reboot of that iconic film, Point Break. She will play the role originally played by Keanu Reeves while Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will play the role formerly played by deceased actor Patrick Swayze. Gary Busey will make a cameo. The bank-robbing band of free spirit surfers will not be known as the “Ex-Presidents” as in the original. Instead, they will all wear Donald Trump masks during the robbery scenes and be known as the OrangeManBad gang.
Late breaking news: The crowded field of candidates just got a little more crowded when CNN personality Jim Acosta announced his entry into the race. He appeared with his estranged wife and three children under a banner revealing his campaign slogan: “I am relevant…really!” It is reported Sarah Huckabee Sanders turned down his offer to be campaign manager. Instead, Acosta named Steve Bannon as campaign manager.
Note: This article is intentionally satirical and farcical, but sadly has shreds of truth sprinkled throughout.
Second note: This writer will provide weekly dispatches from the Democratic Party campaign trail as I mythically follow the caravan throughout the country and beyond. This is a service to Redstate readers every Saturday morning.