Sam the Salesman

Previously I introduced you to my great friend and Army buddy Sam. I’ve written about our fishing adventures, the time we messed up Valentine’s Day and the time he tried to have me arrested in Kuwait. Still and all, he’s a great friend. His wife Sweet Allie, is the big sister I never had.

Sam, is a natural born salesman. Claiming he was bored to tears after a stellar career as an Army logistician, he decided to get back into the sales racket. That’s his story. The more likely truth is, he was driving Sweet Allie nuts and she wanted him out of the house. It went (sorta) like this…

After Sweet Allie told him to get out from underfoot, Sam went and applied for a job at one of those super-duper-mega WalMarts. They have everything from soup to nuts, from diapers to drills. You name it, they’ve got it. So Sam walks into the store and right up to who turns out to be, the floor manager for sales. He introduces himself and asks for a job. The manager asks about Sam’s sales experience and as usual, Sam sells him “Sam’s standard bill of goods.” It must have worked, as the manager told him to show up the next day at 9:00 AM to start work.

The next day, Sam shows up and meets the manager from the day before. The manager shows Sam all around the store and then takes him over to the sporting and camping goods area. He leaves him saying, “This is your area. Help all the customers who come in here and wherever possible, help get them from, ‘Just looking around,’ to actually buying something.”

It was a busy day at the store so it wasn’t until about 3:30 PM that the manager was able to go see how Sam was doing on his first day on the job. As he strolled on over, he saw Sam and what looked like a very happy customer shaking hands. The customer gave one final shake and then strode off with a huge grin on his face, a bounce in his step and an armful of packages. “This bodes well,” thought the manager as he walked up to Sam.

“So,” asked the manager, “how many customers did you take care of today?”

“Just the one,” answered Sam.

“One customer? Only one customer?!” the manager asked in an incredulous voice. “You’ve been here all day and just one customer?”

“Yessir,” replied Sam with a grin.

“Fine!” retorted the manager, followed by, “How much did you sell?”

Sam by now grinning even wider, “By my calculations, one hundred forty seven thousand, five hundred thirty eight dollars and sixty eight cents.”

The Manager blurts: “One hundred forty..wha…wha. How did you do that?”

Sam replied, “Well Sir, first I sold him a set of small fish hooks. Then I sold him a set of medium fish hooks. Then we got to talking about his fishing rod and how unhappy he was with it. So I sold him one of those new BassSlayer 3000 rods with the graphite interior and the teflon coating.”

“Go on,” said the manager.

“Well,” continued Sam, “that new rod wasn’t gonna work well with his old reel, so I sold him one of our CrankMaster 400 reels with the 400 foot-pound spindle boost.

The manager was getting really excited now. “So what happened next?!”

Sam, “That feller really liked the tackle we have, but thought about his old, beat down johnboat and decided it was due for an upgrade. I remembered that during my orientation yesterday, you told me to always try and push our relationship with BassPro. So I got out the BassPro Catalog and once he picked out what he liked (the 27 foot, BassChaser 9000 with fish finder and a 300 horse Mercury) I called over to BassPro, gave them our vendor number and he gave them his credit info. He’s gonna pick it up on the way home.

The Manager stammers, “You have got to be kidding me. Is there anything else?”

Sam, “Yessir. I followed him out to the parking lot and I noticed that he had come here in a Prius. I felt obligated to tell him that no self respecting Alabama Fisherman would be caught dead pulling a boat with a car that ran on double A’s. So, we went back inside and I made a call over to the Ford dealership. Long story short, he’s now the proud owner of a brand spanking new Raptor—and we got credit for the sale. You walked up just as he was heading over to the dealer to pick it up.

Manager: “OK. Let me get this straight. You just sold almost one hundred and fifty thousand dollars worth of goods to a guy who walked in here to buy some fishhooks?

My Buddy, Sam The Salesman, “Oh nosir. He came in to buy some” (lowers voice to a barely audible whisper) “ladies supplies for his wife.” Continuing at a normal vocal level, Sam said, “I told him, ‘Hey Pal, looks like your weekend is pretty much shot. You might as well go fishing.’”

Happy Sunday!

Mike Ford, a retired Infantry Officer, writes on Military, Foreign Affairs and occasionally dabbles in Political and Economic matters.

Follow him on Twitter: @MikeFor10394583

You can find his other Red State work here.