USA Today Bravely Clowned Themselves Over the Babylon Bee's Obvious Satire

Chuck Burton

 

Praise the ever-vigilant USA Today, for without it, the sinister Babylon Bee would be ravaging our society with jokes we didn’t know were jokes even though they clearly state they’re jokes.

The malicious and dastardly Babylon Bee released an article on the 21st that proclaimed the recently passed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death had been overruled by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, rendering her passing unconstitutional and thus prohibiting Trump from nominating a replacement for her seat.

The report was complete with quotes from Republicans and all that jazz:

Kim McLane Wardlaw, the judge who issued the ruling, said in a statement: “Justice Ginsburg’s death was an affront to the constitution as well as our God-given right to abort as many babies as possible and sell their body parts for research. Death, at its core, is a construct designed to subvert the rule of law by taking pro-choice liberal judges away from us too soon. We cannot allow Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death to stand. By law, she will now be considered to be still alive.”

Trump slammed the ruling as “idiotic” and called the court judges “a bunch of morons.” Republicans pounced on this ruling like tigers that pounce on their prey before ruthlessly tearing it to pieces with their razor-sharp claws. “This is a terrible ruling because we’re racist and we hate women,” said a bunch of Republicans, according to anonymous sources.

USA Today, seeing this monstrosity of falsehood and something that the right has referred to as “hue-more” or as they’re also known to call it “commidee” (researchers are still looking into this bizarre concept) sprang into action and shed light on the darkness the Babylon Bee was spreading.

First, they deduced that the 9th Circuit Court is a court that Republicans don’t like and that’s why the Babylon Bee referenced it. Aha! Another snake in the grass beheaded! The Babylon Bee attempted to pass a lie about the Ninth Circuit Court overturning RBG’s death because people know it leans left like she did. Clever, but not clever enough for the defenders of truth at USA Today!

After a bit more information about the conflicts between the left and right in regards to the court, USA Today spin kicks the Babylon Bee’s article to the dirt like a level 9000 Chuck Norris. The blow is devastating and it’s unlikely the Bee will ever recover.

The brave fact-checkers at USA Today concluded beyond a shadow of a doubt that this devious article was — get this — satire.

“We rate this claim SATIRE, based on our research,” wrote USA Today. “A satirical article about the 9th Circuit “overturning” Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death has no basis in fact. It is true that the 9th Circuit has ruled against many Trump-era policies.”

I’m just as shocked as you are.

Who would have thought that a satirical site that labels itself as a satirical site would write a satirical article? Is there no decency in this world any longer?

All we can do is thank USA Today, as well as other sites, for returning some semblance of truth to this world full of lies. To tell us, the ignorant, stupid, and likely unwashed masses, that something that is a joke is a joke.

Perhaps, one day, we’ll crawl out of the darkness of this alien force that causes the expression of joy they call “laughter” so that we can be serious all the time about everything.