It is Official, 2020 Is the Worst Year Ever - Dancing With The Stars to Feature ‘Tiger King’ Villainess Carol Baskin

Screenshot via ABC News


Just when we thought our national condition could not become worse…

It seems almost a lifetime ago but it was only this past Spring when the nation had been plunged into a dark and insipid cultural vortex. Newly blockaded from our vocations and forced into homestead seclusion we had been cut off from conventional diversions. Professional sports were banished and movie theaters were cordoned off, so collectively we took solace by the throngs within the confines of streaming platforms.

It was there that a documentary of despair, distemper, and delusion was found, and a nation dizzy with anxiety took solace in the warped lives which unraveled on our flatscreens. The nation embraced ‘’Tiger King’’.

The story of intrigue and dark passions resting within a collection of wild game parks captivated many and became an entertainment touchstone. I, for one, was baffled. Considering my extensive background in bad motion pictures this should have strummed a similar chord, but instead I was inspired to walk away. I believe that what makes bad movies appealing is the misfire nature of it all. The earnestness and the attempt at something of quality but failing in grand fashion is a camp-lovers dream. 

But seeing reality television in this same framework is repellent. These were real life individuals who sought out the fictional failings I enjoy in celluloid. These were not created characters who were abused by talent-free writers or inept actors or under-skilled directors; these people were enthusiastic in their pursuit of the sceptic-level lifestyles portrayed.

Now you would think that a poly-amorous homosexual big cat park owner who cultivated his own reality show around his dysfunctional drug-fueled social petri-dish would rise as the dark center of this world, but somehow in quiet fashion Carol Baskin stole this grindhouse-quality show. Her spacey delivery and calm demeanor gave way to the rampant speculation of everyone’s mind on social media for weeks – Did Carol feed her husband to the tigers???  

And now, in this Kardashian-enabled era we reside in, Carol Baskin is being rewarded. Instead of a society doing the proper thing and locking her away like a feral cat in a cage of her own, she is instead being granted a stage in prime time. The announcement of the latest cast for ABC’s Dancing With The Stars has been revealed and Catella DeVille herself is included, for some reason.

That DWTS has been on the air for almost three decades baffles. I do not begrudge those who may watch, and I do not care enough to suggest the show be taken down.  Yet for the life of me I cannot understand the appeal of watching the learning curve of rhythmically-challenged celebrities from the D-list — or lower. (I mean, when you get the sideline reporter from the miniature golf contest ‘’Holey Moley’’, you are truly stretching the parameters of the term ‘’celebrity’’ to a breaking point.) Now they include the potentially disturbed and universally reviled ‘’star’’ of the summer’s most-watched train-wreck of a program, ‘’Tiger King’’. This is not a reason to watch. This is a reason for an international tribunal from The Hague to step in and address a crime against the citizens of this country.

Culturally this is like creating a meatloaf made out of a vegetarian Spam knockoff product, and then portioned out and formed into a microwaveable dinner entrée sold out of a turnpike service plaza vending machine. But this is bound to happen in the days we now endure. This iteration of Dancing With The ‘’Stars’’  may not be the program we all need, but it feels like in 2020 it is the program we deserve.

Well, we had a decent run as a planet, we’ll just take that Sweet Meteor Of Death now…