From Arithmetic to Going Outside to Being Nice -- Another Racist Column on the Idiotic Claims of Racism

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 (AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee, J Pat Carter)


As the crowds need to be proactive against racism  — and more importantly, to be noticed for doing so — the accusations of racism are stretching thin.


From the protests to the cancel culture brigades to the pundits with waning ratings the need to be recognized for ‘’attacking’’ the problem of racism is intoxicating to many. It appears that if you make an accusation about racism you are granted a lifetime pass from being accused. Of course, as we will see, this will become nearly impossible to maintain once you realize the sweeping nature of these charges. 

(This is a secondary compilation on the numerous things we need to fix in order to stop being racist.)

These are not just random, faceless people barking on social media either, but accusations leveled in the deeply serious entries of journalism outlets. So for the sake of helping you correct your hateful intolerant ways, here are more aspects of your life where you are truly being hateful and intolerant.


FLAVOR – Wait, did you just pick up a shaker to season your food? Why don’t you just go out and burn a cross?! Everyone knows salt is racist!

HOME DESIGN – How do you even sleep at night guilt free, resting comfortably in your ‘’Master’’ bedroom’’?!

CHESS – Do you think that if you just stay inside your racist home and keep to yourself with a hobby you are avoiding being hateful? If you do, don’t play chess. The monarchal roots are only the beginning of the problem.

SCRABBLE – Are you kidding me? You think you can simply place down ANY word?! Why don’t you just put down ‘’KKK’’ on triple word score, and go to a rally.

KNITTING – All right, then take up something solitary and you will avoid racism. But not if you take up knitting, a deeply problematic and exclusionary practice that will tie you in knots.


THE  OUTDOORS – Fine! I’ll just get out of the house, and go wander off alone. Wait, nope – hateful and racist too.

CRAFT BREWING – This is getting to be too much. You need a drink to calm this social anxiety. Well don’t make it a craft beer. That industry is rife with intolerance, even when it makes anti-racist beer.


  • Why would you even consider going outside to begin with? Basically most things involving the environment are rooted in racial intolerance.

NATURE – Turns out that going out into the countryside is an activity for white people alone. So…stop going outside, I guess…? 

THE AIR – All the more reason for minorities to avoid the outside – whites have screwed up the air quality for you. 

EARTHQUAKE SIGNS – You might think that alerting black people on the potential dangers in a building during an earthquake is helpful. Well I think you are an intolerant bigot!

GLOBAL WARMING SCIENCE – Maybe there is not a global warming consensus after all.

COUNTING – One reason that climate change is so problematic could be the data. You see, Math is racist.


  • We realize this is a lengthy list and all we seem to do is present problems. Solutions are needed and we would like to help come up with interpersonal ways to repair the damage.  

SEXUAL RACISM – You may believe in the phrase ‘’make love, not race war’’, but this is a thorny issue. Yes, if you choose not to have sex with a black person that is racist. However, if you choose to have sex with a black person that is racist. So choose partners carefully.


BEING KIND – Most people would assume that the first step to healing the racial divide is in the act of being nice to each other. Well, most people would be forwarding a white supremacist agenda…by being nice.

BEING TOO NOT-RACIST – In recent weeks we have been told that not being racist is not enough, we need to be anti-racist. But you need to do so with caution; if you try too hard at being not-racist you actually end up being somewhat racist after all. There – easy!


This is the level of racial tension we are at as a nation. With everyone striving so ardently to root out racism, and to be noticed appropriately for doing so, the flow-chart in what is and is not racist is as logical as the assembly instructions for a sofa unit from a counterfeit Ikea source from China. Which I am certain was racist to type.

The best is that those who are so desperate for approval and recognition are just as likely to be brought down by the tripwires of racism.

‘’How can I be racist, I pointed out how knitting was intolerant to blacks?!’’

‘’Maybe, but you have used salt — ergo, you are now a racist.’’


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