Misplaced Potatoes, Good Sports, and Bad Board Games: Are We Doomed?

(J.R. Simplot Company via AP)

Welcome to Are We Doomed? the weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

Don’t put potatoes there.


You shouldn’t need a doctor to tell you not to put potatoes in your butt. Nobody should need a doctor to tell them not to put potatoes in their butt…and, yet, people are slicing potatoes into little strips (like fries!), freezing them, and putting them- well, you know. They think it cures hemorrhoids. It doesn’t.  Don’t do that. Just go to the doctor, it won’t be the weirdest thing they’ve seen all day.  Unless you do put the potatoes in your butt.

Verdict: Anyone who needs to be told not to do this is doomed. Come on, society.

A Good heart, the wrong result

A student in Kentucky had the kindest idea. He knew he was going to ace his history test (and get 5 bonus percentage points), so he asked the teacher to give those bonus points to whichever student got the worst grade. The teacher did it, and it got that student from a failing grade to a barely-passing grade.

Verdict:  I love this kid’s heart and willingness to sacrifice some of his points to help another student, but the teacher shouldn’t have done it. That other kid is being done a disservice by not knowing the material. Maybe he should have seen if the top-scoring student would be willing to tutor the low-scoring student. That way, he kid who wants to help gets to help, but the recipient didn’t get the help he or she needed. We need to get our heads on straight and actually help people, or we’re doomed.

A good sport

Here’s a good kid with a good heart, and a good result. Watch the video!


Verdict: With kindness like this, we’re not doomed.

Hear me dance.

This is pretty cool.

Verdict:  I love seeing this and love the innovation behind it. People are smart and cool.  Then again, some people suck, so I worry about AI of any kind being misused. Time will tell if we’re doomed by this.

To protect and serve

A mom in Utah found herself in a tough position.  It was the middle of the night, her husband was out of town and, for the first time, she wasn’t producing enough milk for her 6-week-old baby.  The neighbors weren’t answering their phones, there was no formula to be had and her newborn was hungry. Out of options, she called the police to ask if they would sit outside of her house while she went to get formula. Instead, the police brought it to her.

Verdict: I’ll be honest. At first, I thought this was kind of an abuse of 911 but, the more I think about it, the more I think it’s just an example of kindness. Her baby needed to eat and she needed help. She was hoping a patrol car could hang out for a few minutes by her house, and the police went above and beyond. We’re not doomed.


On the other hand, there’s Seloni Khetarpal, a 36 year-old Ohio woman who repeatedly called the police because her parents stopped paying for her cell phone. She has been charged with disrupting public services, a fourth-degree felony.


Verdict:  Don’t call the police to report that you’re an entitled brat.  It’s not going to go well, and it shouldn’t. We’d be doomed if she were a teenager, but  we are completely doomed that an adult woman thought this was appropriate.

Family fight night

I guess this happened a little while ago, but I missed it and it can’t go unaddressed. There’s a new version of Monopoly called Monopoly: House Divided that will give you the chance to argue about politics and the regular arguments that come with playing Monopoly with certain cheaters (you know who you are). Players pick red or blue and, instead of buying properties, you get votes along the way.

Verdict: We are living in a deeply divided time, and I don’t find that fun or entertaining.  I guess some people do and, for that, we are doomed.

Hold the mayo.

When I say “hold the mayo” I mean that I want it literally nowhere near my food. Apparently, it can also mean “physically hold on to this mayo” because it now comes in the form of slices. They have taken the worst condiment in the world and made it more disgusting.

Verdict: We are doomed that this even exists, even if nobody buys it. But I bet they will because well, you know, we’re doomed.

Forcible dancing

You know how everybody is really into consent? Apparently, kids are supposed to learn that this only applies sometimes, because there are schools that require you to say “yes” when somebody asks you to dance. Even if you don’t feel like it, even if you don’t like that person, even when they give you the creeps.


Verdict: Doomed! Not only because of the confusing message it sends kids about consent, but also because kids need to learn how to handle these small rejections or they will never be able to handle real rejections.

Play on

To ensure that doctors didn’t damage the part of her brain that controls her hands, this woman played the violin during brain surgery.

Verdict: This is incredible and we aren’t doomed.

In the final analysis.

This is a lot to take in, but people are looking out for people, so I think we’re going to be ok. Let’s not cut it this close again, though.






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