A Real Turkey Day: CDC Says to Spend Thanksgiving With Your Family - Just Not in the Same Room

AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster

 

Are you ready for Thanksgiving?

I’m talking, of course, about that great holiday to be wisely spent absolutely by yourself in your house.

Such will be the case if you strictly adhere to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which is advising people to spend Turkey Day basting in abject loneliness.

As indicated by ABC News, the CDC recently issued guidelines for how to enjoy experience America’s 2nd greatest annual family celebration, and let’s just say it won’t be as cozy as last year’s.

The group advises on three different approaches, from Lower Risk to Higher Risk.

So let’s say you’re a real Evel Knievel type — you smoke unfiltered, seat belts are for sissies, you drunkplay with knives, your gas stove’s your heater, and you’re working on your Manhattan tightrope skills.

For those who live life without a net, here are the Centers’ instructions…

Refrain from:

  • Going shopping in crowded stores just before, on, or after Thanksgiving
  • Participating or being a spectator at a crowded race
  • Attending crowded parades
  • Using alcohol or drugs, which can cloud judgement and increase risky behaviors
  • Attending large indoor gatherings with people from outside of your household

But what — you may ask — if you’re a more mediocre risker of life and limb? Maybe you like a good cigar when you moderately drink. And perhaps you’ll dare ride your bike without a helmet, but only in the cul-de-sac with a medic standing by.

For all you middle-of-the-roaders, understand the following involves “moderate risk”:

  • Have a small outdoor dinner with family and friends in your community
  • Visit pumpkin patches or orchards where people use hand sanitizer before touching pumpkins or picking apples, wearing masks is enforced, and people are able to social distance
  • Attend a small outdoor sports event with safety precautions

Now for you real safety-conscious kinksters — you keep a fire extinguisher in the bathroom, and you’d never, ever listen to Ben Shapiro.

For those of you who pack a diaper in your car’s emergency kit (never a bad idea), the CDC lays out lower-risk activities that might suit you like a bubble-wrap burka on a socially-conscious Berkeley college freshman.

Per the experts, “Consider participating in these…”:

  • Have a small dinner with only people who live in your household
  • Prepare family recipes for family and neighbors and deliver them in a way that doesn’t involve contact with others
  • Shop online rather than in person on Thanksgiving weekend
  • Watch sports events, parades, and movies from home

And most wool-sweatery of all:

  • Have a virtual dinner and share recipes with friends and family

So if you’re aching to shake your rump amid the purportedly racist remembrance some say should be renamed Indigenous Peoples Day, do it via Zoom…

Either way, live at your own risk.

Or — if you’re in California — don’t. As reported by RedState’s Jennifer Van Laar last month, the state’s governor decreed that no Thanksgiving gathering can last more than two hours, and no in-person family time can involve more than three households.

Back to the CDC, at least they didn’t address a little autumn spice that might occur as people get into the holiday spirit.

Such occurred this June, as New York issued its guide to “safer” sex on account of the corona.

Apparently, in some cases, Democrats are for building a wall.

From its guidelines (Adult Content Warning):

  • Masturbate together. Use physical distance and face coverings to reduce the risk.
  • Condoms and dental dams can reduce contact with saliva, semen or feces during oral or anal sex. Visit nyc.gov/condoms to find out how to get free safer sex products.
  • Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face-to-face contact.

It’s a strange year. And if you’re not careful — and if you are — it’s gonna be a strange, strange Thanksgiving.

-ALEX

 

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