Warning: The following story contains sexual material. It’s NSFW or small children…

Who wants safe sex when you can have safer sex?

We’re living in a new era, and the old precautions are flat-out bush league.

Therefore, the next time you wanna make some magic with that sultry someone, you’re gonna have to put on your thinkin’ cap.

As per the government of New York City — given our coronavirus condition — couples need to be particularly aware when getting COVID-carnal.

To help out, NYC Health’s issued a 6-point guide for the Corona Sutra.

The directive — dated 6-8-20 — confirms you absolutely oughta be gettin’ nekkid:

During this extended public health emergency, people will and should have sex.

But:

Consider using harm-reduction strategies to reduce the risk to yourself, your partners, and our community.

So here we go…

Point #1: Know how COVID-19 spreads.

To be clear, officials “do not know if COVID-19 can be spread through vaginal or anal sex” and do “know that other coronaviruses do not easily spread through sex.”

However, the “virus spreads through particles in the saliva, mucus or breath of people with COVID-19.”

I’m not sure what kind of engagement’s standard fare in the Big Apple, but evidently, here’s where you have to watch out (AGAIN: NSFW or small children):

The virus has been found in the semen and feces (poop) of people with COVID-19.

So tie a string around your finger.

#PartyPoopers

Point #2: Have sex only with people close to you.

How close? Well, so close that they’re inside your skin:

You are your safest sex partner.

Beyond that, “having…sex…with only a small circle of people helps prevent spreading COVID-19.”

The guide also recommends “[limiting]…sex…with anyone outside your household.”

Furthermore, NYC Health takes time to roll out rules for — shall we say — group activity:

[I]f you decide to find a crowd, below are tips to reduce your risk of spreading or getting COVID-19:

• Limit the size of your guest list. Keep it intimate.
• Go with a consistent sex partner.
• Pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces.
• Wear a face covering, avoid kissing, and do not touch your eyes, nose, or mouth with
  unwashed hands.
• Bring an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

And here’s a big one to remember — if your “sex partners…make a living by having sex, consider taking a break from in-person dates.”

We’ll speed past Point #3: Use test results with caution in helping you make decisions about sex.

Now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty…

Point #4: Take care during sex.

YET AGAIN: NSFW or small children…

I’ll skip a bit which may or may not be unprintable, but as a public service, the guide indicates the “virus in feces may enter your mouth and could lead to infection.”

New York’s leadership goes on to encourage you to “make it a little kinky” and “be creative with sexual positions.”

Also:

• Masturbate together. Use physical distance and face coverings to reduce the risk.
• Condoms and dental dams can reduce contact with saliva, semen or feces during oral or anal sex. Visit nyc.gov/condoms to find out how to get free safer sex products.

The last two are pretty straight-forward–

Point #5: Skip sex if you or your partner are not feeling well.

Point #6: Prevent HIV, other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancy.

Thankfully, the government additionally goes to bat for everyone in clarifying that rape isn’t okay:

Sex is a normal part of life and should always be with the consent of all parties.

But I’ve saved the most important instruction for last, from Point #4.

You may be wondering: If you “should” be having sex, how do you most royally wreak havoc on risk?

Well, ya got anything that can bore into sheetrock?

In light of New York's 'safer' sex guide, it's time to do some shopping for that perfect drill bit.#COVID19 #CoronaSutrahttps://t.co/bLLy7zDu2I pic.twitter.com/rHo6DCnY7b

— Alex Parker (@alexparker1984) June 15, 2020

New York is looking out for your best interests, and I’m sorry — but if you live in an efficiency, one of you may have to stand outside.

Here’s perhaps the most powerful thing you can do to pummel the pandemic.

Please, for the sake of us all:

Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face-to-face contact.

Got that??

Despite a sizable resistance, it turns out Donald Trump was right after all — walls keep us safe.

So the next time you get that ol’ sneaky feelin’ with your boo, grab your walkie talkies and tell ’em to meetcha at the drill site. Tonight’s gonna be a beautiful expression of love — thanks to Craftsman™ and the Guardians of Goofiness in New York City.

-ALEX

See 3 more pieces from me:

New Study Mandates Masks for Pandemic Pleasure: Couples Should Cover Their Faces During Sex

To Fight COVID-19, UK Bans Multi-Household Trysts

Tail of the Sea: Man Complains of Stomach Pain, Doctors Find a Large Fish in His Rectum

Find all my RedState work here.

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