Toilet Paper Scammers Are on the Prowl: Beware the Inadequate Mini-Roll

AP Photo/Ted S. Warren
AP featured image
Shoppers rush to pick up toilet paper that had just arrived at a Costco store, Saturday, March 7, 2020, in Tacoma, Wash. Within minutes, several pallets of toilet paper and paper towels were sold out as people continue to stock up on necessities due to fear of the COVID-19 coronavirus. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)



In these Zombie Apocalypse times, if you’re buying toilet paper online, beware: You might find yourself scammed.

If I may put it in corn cob terms (and I believe I can), you could think you’re ordering this…

…and wind up with this:

That’s right: Fear the mini-roll.

As reported by The Charlotte Observer, Florida’s Shirley Ann Hodges told McLatchy News she bought 12 rolls of spooled white gold for $16.99 online. The Amazon goods came courtesy of Asia, and when they arrived around the first of the month, she was shocked — like Joe Biden, they weren’t adequate for any kind of big job:

Still, she was scared to return ’em:

“Yeah, they took advantage of us. I put some in Easter baskets as gag gifts. I didn’t send it back. What happens if I get desperate?”

North Carolinian Hector Cruz got chapped, too: He ordered a 10-pack for $14.99, and what arrived looked like it was made by Little Debbie.


Or for a very little Debbie.

Here’s Hector’s booty…for his booty:

And it gets worse.

From the Observer:

Stranger still is an incident reported April 16 by blogger J.R. Reed in, involving a 12-pack of toilet paper that arrived in an envelope — minus the cardboard rolls.

“This is what happens to people in the early days of the pandemic, with people hoarding toilet paper,” Reed wrote. “You force people like my girlfriend who are very intelligent and extremely sane to order Chinese toilet paper off Amazon.”

No matter how spoiled we as Americans are, when times get tough, we can whittle right down to what we treasure most. Hence, as noted by Marketplace Pulse, Amazon’s top search for March concerned that merciful cloudlike companion we all adore.

Leave it to tricksters to remind us that online shopping ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

You’ve heard “You are what you eat”? If you ask me, the retail wretchedness of these crappy con-artists makes them the same as what they sell. I’ll let you finish that thought, but it’s a compound word that may or may not contain the word “wipe.”

To avoid said huckters, Digital Trends offers some advice on how to pounce on that paper and score some septic superiority:


[T]ype “toilet paper” into Google, and then select the Shopping option on the search page. Google will list all of the toilet paper that’s for sale on the shopping page. They’ve also created a policy [of removing] any options that include price gouging, which can make your search a little less frustrating.

Once you’ve found a pack, don’t wait! Load your cart with as many packs as you need and head straight to the checkout and complete your order. This will keep your TP from getting snipped away from you.

Good talk, Coach.

If only fliers could’ve been dropped from planes…

A moment of silence for the fallen among us:

It wasn’t so long ago, people were embarrassed to buy for the bathroom — the rule was, always take something else to the register with you.

My, how far we’ve come. Sometimes, there’s a downside to straightening your priorities:

Good luck out there. May you find quality rolls. Many.

Not mini.



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