Never Trust a Frisky Octopus: Woke Sex Toy Company's New Condom Requires 4 Hands to Open



I wish the Left would make up its mind — on one hand, 16-year-olds are brilliant and should be allowed to vote (here and here); on the other, everyone’s a moron that needs the government to moderate their moves.


And if you’re wantin’ to put the moves on that special sexy someone, thanks to a South American revolution, you’re gonna need your dreamboat’s help opening the packaged raincoat before y’all run out into the storm.

Democrats are gonna love this.

As reported by the New York Post:

“Tulipán, an Argentinian sex toy company, has created a new rubber that requires four hands to open — ensuring that both parties are equally involved in the decision to have sex.”

Doesn’t that only mean both parties are equally involved in opening a condom? (Sex doesn’t require it.)

“How it works: All four corners of the packaging must be pressed at the same time to open it.”

The product’s tagline reads like a pessimistic fortune cookie: “If it’s not a yes, it’s a no.”

So what do people think about a birth control method that functions like a high-ropes confidence course? As per Insider, they like it:

The new condoms were given a trial in Buenos Aires, and free samples were handed out at bars and events. Apparently, feedback was pretty good, and the company is going to make them available in shops later this year.

Wanna see how the tricky contraption works? Here ya go:


Here’s a good clip, too:

The “consent condom” will hit the market later this year. In the meantime, the company’ll be handing ’em out to couples at Buenos Aires bars.

So what’s the message here? That women are gettin’ non-consensual condoms used on ’em? A condom isn’t necessary for the you-know-what, and I doubt many rapists are using protection.

If Tulipán wants to right some sexual wrongs, how about tamin’ the beast of impulse? I recommend a timed condom — one that requires users to solve the Rubix Cube before the wrapper opens. Let everybody settle down a bit. Escape the heat of the moment and see if they can color-coordinate 54 stickered squares.


Call it the Pubix Cube.

‘Til then, if you hanker for a prophylactic that can only be opened by the Spider Monster from Inframan (see below), get ready to flex your love muscle: Your fourarmed dreams are about to all come true.



Relevant RedState links in this article: here and here.

See 3 more pieces from me: a day of reckoning, Democrats eating their own, and Violent Angry Moron Idiot.

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