The headline should read, “Man Dodges Bullet.”

A woman’s rant on social media indicates she dumped her fiancé after family and friends refused to fund a $60,000 wedding.

The bride’s cousin shared the story on social media, via a Facebook posting by the no-longer-engaged Nightmare.

Lady Nightmare first expresses mournfulness over her Splitsville status:

“It comes with great sadness that I am announcing the cancellation of the [censored] Wedding. I apologize for cancelling only 4 days beforehand. Unfortunately, [censored] and I have broken up due to some recent and irreparable problems.”

Bridezilla explains her recently-dashed, simple dreams:

“Before I begin this mini novel, I invite all of you (including the [REALLY censored] who have ruined my marriage and life) to put yourselves in my shoes. For once, let me take the stage and let me voice the most painful few months of my life.”

For once? Something tells me this isn’t nearly the first time she has “take(n) the stage.”

“I met the love of my life at 14. … He put a ring on my finger when I was 18, worth nearly 5k. … Fast forward a few years, I was 20. … We saved and saved. … We managed to save up nearly $15k for a wedding. Since our love was like a fairy tale, we wanted an extravagant blow out wedding…”

Like, a fairy tale with a witch in it?

“We started touring venues and were torn between two.”

Here’s where it gets good…

“A local psychic told us to go with the more expensive option, and we thought why the hell not? We just needed a little push.”

Ohhh, a local psychic. Yeah, better to base your wedding plans on a psychic that’s Jenny from the block.

“We just needed a little push. Our dream wedding amounted to 60k– all included with flights to Aruba.”

“Our?” I’m sure all you men can relate — remember growing up, constantly imagining your dream $60k ceremony?

Ms. Mare wasn’t asking for much:

“All we asked was for a little help from our friends and family to make it happen. I SPECIFICALLY, I mean SPECIFICALLY asked for cash gifts. How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamed of without proper funding?”

“Our?” “We?”

“We’d sacrificed so much and only asked each guest for around $1,500. We talked to a few people who even promised us more to make our dream come true. My maid of honor (who shall not be named) pledged $5,000 along with her planning services. We tearfully thanked and accepted. My ex’s family offered to contribute $3,000. So our request for $1500 for all other guests was not f*****g out of the ordinary. Like, we made it CLEAR. If you couldn’t contribute, you weren’t invited to our exclusive wedding. It’s a once and a lifetime party.”

She made it CLEAR, folks. And it’s simultaneously a once-in-a-lifetime party and not bleeping out of the ordinary. Then, the horror:

“So, we sent out RSVP’s and only 8 people replied and sent us the check. We were f*****g livid. How was this supposed to happen without a little help from our friends.”

Livid! Next comes my favorite sentence:

“To make matters worse…”

To make them even worse! Worse than not getting more than eight of her friends to give her $1,500 for no apparent reason!

Continuing:

“To make matters worse, my ex’s family took back their offer. Suddenly, more people backed out…”

She tried to salvage it:

“Desperately, we resent our invites and asked people to donate what they could. I mean seriously people, what is $1,000? What is $1,500? Clearly, not a lot. It would be quite manageable [and] within budget. I’ve heard of people asking for worse.”

Maybe. But I haven’t heard of worse people asking.

After a gofundme campaign only brought in $250, her husband-to-be — you know, the other half of the “we” who ached for a $60,000 service — suggested a Vegas wedding. That didn’t go well.

And then, the bride met with that most horrific of Goliaths to Davids such as she: reality.

“I then called my maid of honor and cried my eyes out. Instead of sympathy, I was told that I was asking for way too much and I should stick to my budget.”

Stick to the budget? What is she, a conservative????

“I mean…no words can describe. How could someone who offered me THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS then deny me…”

Hey, wait — I thought thousands of dollars was no big deal to her?

“…then deny me MY promised money and then tell me to shift down my budget???? She KNOWS my f*****g DREAM was a blowout wedding. I just wanted to be a kardashian for a day and then live my life like normal. I called her a filthy f*****g poor excuse of a friend and hung up.”

Advice to men: if you ever run into a girl who wants to — even for a day — be a Kardashian, RUN.

Her bridesmaids sided with her maid of honor and told her she was crazy.

“They asked for their deposit back…so I said f*** YOU. I refuse to give it back until they can pay me back for their emotional distress.”

Her fiancé stayed out late, and she fears he cheated on her. So in the end:

“I need to get away from this awful society. How hard would it [have been] to f*****g donate friends? Do I matter to you? Just f*****g give me money for my wedding.”

Just give her money already!

“I won’t even sugarcoat. I won’t even pretend that’s not what I wanted. It was for a dream. I was stabbed, cheated on, and Wrk’d.”

Well, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it — the sad, third-world experience of a woman faced with the prospect of a <$60,000 wedding.

If only she’d hired Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as wedding planner; that woman knows how to do everything for free. If only Bernie Sanders were currently in office; he could’ve subsidized Kardashian Day. If only the safe-spaced and trigger-free life she and surely innumerable Millennials are counting on would just manifest itself like free housing and healthcare in the New Left’s utopia. If the harsh realities of life would only disappear like homeless San Francisco poop after a HAZMAT-suited blitz.

There is one silver lining: she and the groom have a child together. She’d “wanted a blowout wedding, one where [their] son could be included.”

Wow. It costs $60,000 to include a son in a wedding. The little tyke may have missed the narcissistic nuptials, but surely exciting things are in store. For all of us. Because, whether or not this account is real, it’s not surprising. And if the Democrats have their way in November and 2020, and as the culture becomes more corrupt with their doctrine, I have a feeling this is precisely where we’re headed. You can trust my prediction — I am, after all, a local psychic.

Thank you for reading! I’m excited to hear your thoughts in the Comments section below.

For something totally different, please check out my articles on MSNBC’s call for mass Trump White House resignations, CNN’s (preferred) Idiot Mode, and illegal immigration & Seinfeld.

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